


Darkness of Flashbacks

by AlexandraElla



Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: Childhood, Crimes & Criminals, Drama, F/M, Fanfiction, Flashback, Hot, Out of Character, Psychological Drama, Psychological Trauma, Sex, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Tragedy, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-19
Updated: 2011-05-05
Packaged: 2017-10-17 03:08:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 31,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/172270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexandraElla/pseuds/AlexandraElla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared Leto is found next to his murdered girlfriend. A knife with the singer's fingerprints is found next to the corpse. After the death, Jared doesn't say a word. He is almost apathic and doesn't confess to anything in court.<br/>Jared is being sent to Martha's, which is an institution for criminals with mental problems. The only thing telling the truth is the flashbacks of Jared's past. Who is a friend and who is an enemy?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Flashstart

_\- Just a moment away from becoming unclear -_

 **April 27th, 2007**

"Mr. Leto, do you believe that you are the victim here?" The psychiatrist asked slowly while pushing her old and beaten glasses up from the tip of her nose. During the two months and seven days that the patient, Jared Leto, had been seeing her he had never said a word. The whole situation seemed very odd as Jared had been one of the names on the sky of big Hollywood-stars that had shone the brightest.  
 _  
Jared Joseph Leto, born December 26th 1971, had been taken to Martha's, which was a hospital for criminals withserious mental illnesses, after that he had been found in a heap of blood next to his murdered girlfriend. Her name had been Yolanda Sylvester, and she had been studying to one day become a doctor. It had been a smart girl with high hopes and ambitions. Jared's older brother Shannon had found the bloody mess with his brother and the corpse of Yolanda and called the police in an instant. A knife with Jared's fingerprints splattered out all over the shaft was identified as the murder-weapon. In court, the former rock-star refused to say a single word. As a matter of fact, Jared hadn't made a single sound since the day he was found sitting withhis arms wrapped around his knees with blood-stains all over himself. That behaviour lead to him being transferred to Martha's, the purpose was to figure out what really had happened behind those doors, by having therapeutic conversations to the patient every day, so that they could lock him up in prison for the rest of his life._

 _Now it was the sixtyseventh day of Jared's time in Martha's. The guards liked to have him around because he never did anything at all. He woke up early every morning to take a shower in total silence and then walked into the canteen where he fed and then went to sit outside the therapy-room where the sessions took place. Jared was never late for anything and never refused to do anything but talk. It was like he had suddenly just forgot everything about making sounds. Jared's personal psychiatrist Madison always thought that the shady man was hiding something. Information, that was worth his own weight in gold._

Jared gave Madison a small shrug, and a wave of satisfaction rolled over her and gave her warmth. That was the closest thing to an answer that she had gotten from him yet. The singer's head dropped and his dark strands of hair hung over his eyes. Jared hadn't shaved in what seemed like weeks, and his cheeks were robustly stubbled. In the ten years of Madison's time working with the criminals locked up in Martha's she had never met a patient as tricky as Mr. Leto. Every other person that entered the highly guarded gates to Martha's in the typical red suit that the patients wore, they had a diagnose. Madison already had something to work with, and knew by experience how to handle different types of disorders. Jared was a blank sheet of paper, and Madison didn't have the right pen to write something on it. She had already tried to talk to him about everything between heaven and hell, and the rock-star simply ignored her words and kept staring at one particular spot on the floor.

"Can you tell me about how you met her? Yolanda?" Madison asked curiously. Jared didn't move a muscle and not even his breathing rhythm changed. What she didn't know was that he already was far away from that white and clinical therapyroom and relived his past.

 **July 10th, 2000**   
_  
Jared and Shannon made their way through the parking lot with towels wrapped around their shoulders. It was a hot day and the Leto-brothers had decided to spend the day at the local beach. Living in Los Angeles and never being far away from water suited the brothers perfectly as they considered the sunny beaches as their second home. They put the towels down on the soft sand and laid down with their faces turned towards the sun. Jared was at the time already a known name through My So Called Life, Fight Club and Requiem For A Dream. Jared and Shannon had also started their band 30 Seconds To Mars two years ago, but they hadn't released an album yet._

 _Jared lapped the sunbeams and shuddered as the warmth embraced him. Suddenly, he felt an elbow to his side. Jared shot up and stared at his smirking brother. "What?" Jared asked agitated and sighed heavily. He wasn't in the mood for having a silly fight with his brother in public. Shannon leaned forward and brushed Jared's long, brown hair aside. "Look at that." He mumbled and nodded towards a girl who laid on her back directly onto the sand. Jared stretched his neck to see clearer what it was that his brother was looking at and saw that the girl had an amazing tanned body. Her honey-blond hair was all over the place like a golden gloria in the dull sand. She was definitely easy on the eye. "Cute." Jared stated with a shrug. Shannon huffed and rolled his eyes dramatically. "She's hot! And she's alone. Go and talk to her, dude!" Shannon said and gestured maniacally with his hands. "Yeah, yeah." Jared said and got up to his feet._

 _The brothers usually had their little games on how easy they could make a girl interested in them. Jared walked over to the girl and felt his heart make an extra beat as he looked down upon her. The shadow from Jared's body covered the sun and made her open her eyes in suspicion. She had the greenest and most sprakling eyes that Jared had ever seen. "And who are you?" She asked without a trace of surprise in her voice. It was strangely flat, like she often got disturbed by foreign people standing over her. Jared forced himself to shut his mouth so that she wouldn't compare him with a goldfish. "I am Jared, Jared Leto. And you?" Jared answered and crouched down. He hoped that she wouldn't see his pink swimming-shorts as childish. "My name is Yolanda. Nice to meet you." She said and reached out a hand for Jared to shake. The sun burnt against Jared's back and he felt like throwing himself into the ocean. "Me and my brother over there," Jared nodded towards Shannon that was staring at them, grinning widely. "noticed that you were alone and wondered if you'd like to swim with us."_

 _Yolanda eyed Jared up and down, from top to toe, before she slowly nodded. "Sure."_


	2. From Yesterday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shannon comes to the institution to talk to Jared. The drummer and older brother hopes that he will make Jared tell the truth about the murder. Jared isn't that cooperative, though.

_\- Lie awake in bed at night and think about your life -_

 **April 29th, 2007**

Jared began his day with the usual rituals that he had gotten since the day he got sent to Martha's. He got into the shower and cleaned himself properly to make sure that the subtle, but still horrible, smell from the old bed vanished from his body and went down the drain. The person in the mirror that looked back with blank and expressionless eyes wasn't the same person that he had been a year ago when the terrible things had started to happen. Jared had used to be very keen about his appearance and the way he looked. Always testing new hairstyles and kept himself fit by exercising when there was a gap in his busy schedule.

Now he was rough all over. Jared's hair was just a bunch of lifeless, brown strands that just hung there. It didn't have a purpose, and it didn't look good either. He just didn't care anymore. The moment he was found that devastating day in February a new Jared had been born. That new Jared was determined not to talk, and pushed back all of the bad memories into the back of his mind. A place so dusty and full of awful shadows that it was necessary to forget the memories of the past. Some words, smells and objects trigger those memories to come alive once again though. The flashbacks came regularly and was nothing that Jared could control at all.

The lock in the door to Jared's room clicked open and a guard walked inside the room. "Hey, you. You have a visitor." The guard yelled and watched the broken down man without hope in front of him. Jared recognized the voice of the guard. When he was trying to sleep at night he could hear the guards talking as the walls weren't soundproof at all. Jared knew that the guard's name was Valentino, and that he had a young daughter who obviously liked to party a lot. He had also heard that Valentino had an affair with one of the psychiatrists inside the institution. Loads of unimportant information that Jared had no use of whatsoever.

Jared let Valentino cuff his hands and take him down the corridor to the room where the criminals sometimes got to talk to someone from the outside under supervision. When Jared got there he saw his older brother Shannon sitting in one of the booths. As they got closer to the drummer, Jared noticed the stream of tears that ran down Shannon's eyes. He would feel guilt and compassion if he would have been capable of having feelings. Valentino dragged Jared inside the booth and pushed him down on a seat opposite to Shannon. Valentino himself stood beside the two brothers to watch the scene.

Shannon stared at his brother in disbelief, it was the first time he had seen him after the trials and the sentence. It hurt him deeply to know that his own flesh and blood was capable of killing, and then act so cold like nothing had happened. "What the fucking fuck, dude?" Shannon screamed, but choked on the words and his own tears. He couldn't believe how Jared could be so stupid and throw everything they had down the drain so swiftly. Something was off about his brother, but he couldn't figure out what. Shannon had never seen his brother so completely broken down and apathic. Jared didn't even pay attention to any of his brother's words as he silently fell into another flashback.

 **August 5th, 1978**   
_  
Jared was seven at the time, and was just like a normal kid. He enjoyed playing in the sandbox with other children, and to drive his older brother crazy. Little Jared stood in the kitchen and looked longingly up towards the cookie-jar and thought of a plan to get them when his mother entered the room. She sighed loudly when she saw her son looking up after the green jar with pink dots on it. "Jared, sweetie, you'll have to wait until after dinner. Okay?" She said and smiled softly. Jared pretended like he hadn't had those thoughts about eating all of the cookies in the jar and shook his head. "I won't, ma." He answered politely, and then remembered something that had bothered him all day. His mother had turned around and fumbled with the dirty dishes._

 _Jared tucked at her skirt to get the full attention that he loved and craved. "Mom?" he asked with worry in his eyes._

 _"Yes Jared, what now? Don't you see I'm busy?" She snapped, a bit agitated with her son. Jared bit his lip and swallowed loudly. "Chris said that Shannon isn't my brother." Jared said and felt sad. He adored Shannon, as he was the older brother and the coolest person in the world. Chris was a kid who enjoyed sabotaging the other kid's sandcastles in the sandbox. His mother's body-language softened. "Why would he say such an awful thing? Of course you're brothers."_

 _"He said that we can't be when I have bright eyes and Shannon has dark eyes." Jared said and wished that he also would have eyes that were a mix of green and brown. His mom wiped her wet hands on her jeans and crouched down to give her youngest son a hug. "Don't listen to Chris. God makes every single person different." She whispered and stroked Jared's hair lovingly. Then she got up slowly, holding on tightly to a kitchen-bench. "Why don't you go and tell your brother to go upstairs and pick up his toys?" She asked and rolled her eyes as Jared screamed with happiness. He loved to go to the basement where Shannon usually spent his days. If Jared didn't have a good reason to intrude his brother's privacy he would get real angry and hit Jared._

 _Shannon had got a drum-set for his ninth birthday and was mostly just in the basement to bang them with the drumstick all day long. He didn't like to have an audience, and Jared was forbidden to enter the area without having a good reason to do so. Jared almost tripped and fell in the stairs that he rushed down in excitement. Shannon instinctively dropped his drumsticks when his younger brother ran down the stairs. "What are you doing here? Leave!" Shannon snarled and got up to physically push his annoying brother up the stairs again. Jared giggled with joy and walked towards Shannon with pride. "Mom told me to go down here. She wants you to pick your toys up." He stated like he was a president and smiled when Shannon grunted in defeat. Shannon was wearing a black t-shirt with a white skull print that made Jared green of envy. He would love to have a cool shirt just like that, but knew that his brother would tear it to pieces if he even dared to mimic him._

 _"If I'm going upstairs, so are you. No way I'm letting you go anywhere near my drums." Shannon hissed. Jared agreed and walked up the stairs, but as soon as his brother was out of sight he snuck down again. When Shannon found him randomly banging the drums with his fists he got beaten down to the cold floor. Oh, brotherly love._

"Why aren't you answering me? Goddamn it Jared... It is all over the news. What the fuck did you do in there?" Shannon screamed as Jared snapped back from his flashback. Of course, he didn't respond or even show a sign of that he had heard anything. "I wouldn't take it so personal. He never says a word to anyone." Valentino said, and Shannon growled in despair. He curled his fists and slammed them on the table, still without getting a reaction. "I don't know you. You aren't my brother." Shannon howled and pushed Valentino aside as he escaped the booth. Jared sat down in the same position and stared at a fly on the wall and wished that he could be a bug too.


	3. Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every day by noon, Jared always makes sure that he is the first one to enter the canteen as he wants to choose the table to sit at. Just so he can avoid other people.  
> This day he isn't that lucky. He has to sit at "the tough guys's table".

_\- So I run and hide and tell myself I'll start again with a brand new name -_

 **May 5th, 2007**

Jared hadn't been lucky when he entered the canteen. It was lunch-time and the tables were almost full. His forenoon meeting with Madison had dragged out on the time as she believed that Jared soon would crack and talk. That was of course not the case. Usually, Jared would be almost alone in the huge room as he always got there first. The other patients would refuse to sit down at the table that Jared was at, and that suited Jared perfectly fine. The others thought that it was something odd about Jared, that he was so deeply disturbed that he would just go off and kill them all with a fork. Jared didn't want company though, and the loss wasn't on his side.

Jared was feeling uncomfortable when he grabbed a tray and went to look inside the receptacles to see what the house was offering today. It was some kind of meat-sauce with rice and some gooey vegetables. Jared was a vegetarian and therefor dissed the meat-sauce to only go with the rice and the cold vegetable which dripped of oil. That was the easy part, now it was time for him to find a place to sit. The guards and the other patients watched him closely and held their breaths. It was so quiet that you could definitely hear a needle drop to the floor. Jared spotted an empty chair where a bunch of tough-looking men with tattoos all over sat. His leather-shoes creaked against the white and clinical floor and the fabric of his red suit rustled slightly as he moved. The attention wasn't wanted from Jared's side, he'd much rather just blend in and be a face in the crowd.

"So you, the sick motherfucker that murdered his girlfriend wants to sit with us?" A guy with a shaved head and a messy beard snarled and cracked his fingers threateningly. Jared didn't answer, he just simply sat down and stuck his fork into a piece of broccoli. "Jared is you name, yeah? You sick fuck." He then continued and watched the former rock-star with disgust. "Roy, we're all sick fucks in here." Another man called towards the bald man and grinned to reveal that his teeth was in the worst condition possible. Roy gave the man with the yellow and withered teeth the middle finger and then got back to harassing Jared. "Why aren't you answering me? You cocky bastard." Roy hissed. Jared ignored him and put the broccoli into his mouth and chewed slowly. He just wanted to eat his nutrition-less meal in peace. Roy slapped Jared's fork away in an attempt of getting a reaction. The fork flew in a bow over their heads and landed onto the floor. The whole room had stopped what they were doing to watch the scene and the guards were pretending like that didn't see or hear anything. Roy expected Jared to punch him.

Instead, Jared just got up to his feet and walked over to the fork to pick it up. When he bent down to get it, Roy leaped over from his place and jumped his back. Jared fell to the floor with a loud thump with the heavy Roy over him. "I'm going to teach you a lesson." The bald man growled and turned Jared over so that he was straddling him and still had free access to his face. Jared's upper body was being held up by the collar of his red suit and he just looked at Roy's chest with a blank stare. The fact that not even after such a violent attack, Jared wasn't reacting didn't please Roy at all. He was determined to at least force Jared to scream. "You!" The first punch landed on Jared's chin. It stung, and Jared's head naturally bobbled slightly from the power. "Don't!" The second hit his mouth, but wasn't as powerful as the first one. Jared thought that his lip might have been split. "Deserve!" The next punch landed right over Jared's nose and he could hear the bones cracking underneath Ray's fist. The warm streams of blood ran down his chin and sprayed over the hand that Roy was using to hold him up with. "To live!" Ray yelled and put all of his weight behind the last punch that hit Jared diagonally from his temple down towards his face. He felt how his eyebrow busted open.

Then it was all over and Ray got up to his feet. Jared's head hit the ground forcefully as Ray let go of the grip on Jared's collar. As a last mark, Ray kicked the singer's side and then went back to his table to finish his plate which was full of slobbery meat-sauce. Jared's eyes were wide open, and he stared up at the ceiling. But he wasn't really there. Jared was having another flashback as the blood escaping his wounds formed a small puddle of blood underneath his head.

*

 **October 1th, 1985  
** _  
"Please. You don't need to punch me. I can give you the money tomorrow. I promise!" Jared screamed as the two older guys got closer to him. Jared had been stupid enough to loan money from them, and couldn't pay it back together with the massive yield. "No. We had a deal. We were going to get the money within a week. Your time is up." The larger one said and grinned viciously. He was the guy that had terrorised the sandbox when they were younger, and had grew up to be an excellent bully. The other boy was Rob, Chris's little helper. Rob only liked to beat people with his fists. That was his big passion._

 _Jared backed slowly and stared at the two boys with fear and panic in his eyes. He exhaled a puff of air loudly as his back hit a wall and he knew that he was trapped. "Please... Please." Jared pleaded. The boys got a thrill out of his begging and Chris ran forward to pin Jared's arms down his sides. Both Chris and Rob were huge, muscular teenagers and Jared who was a bit thin had nothing to put against them. He wished that Shannon would come to his rescue, but knew that it wasn't the case. Shannon was probably still in school. It was an afternoon, and no one could see the boys who were arguing behind some containers on the schoolyard. "I hope that this will teach you a lesson." Rob said and raised his arm. Jared winced even before the fist hit him in the face. Then the punch came for real._

 _Jared screamed in pain and tears ran down his face. He dropped to his knees and cried. "Now you know what happens if you don't pay us back in time, motherfucker." Chris said and spat at the much smaller boy. He and Rob soon escaped the area and laughed loudly, being very proud with what they just had done. "Oh mom, Shannon, anyone. Help me." Jared whispered to himself as he heard the bigger guys leave. That was the first time someone else than Shannon had hit him. It would only leave him with a black eye, but it was still a traumatic event for the thirteen year old boy. His mom had cried at the shape of her son, and Shannon had been furious when Jared had got home._

 _"Who did it? Tell me who it fucking was!" Jared's older brother yelled. Jared just shook his head, he didn't want Shannon to get hurt too. "You shouldn't put up with anyone's shit. Never let anyone hurt you again, okay?" Shannon then said after cooling down a little. Jared had only nodded and received a brief hug from his protective brother.  
_  
*

"Oh my God. What did they do to you? Poor thing."  
Jared snapped back from his flashback to see a nurse standing over him. He didn't like how she talked to him like he was a baby. She had white clothes, and short black hair. Jared didn't know how long he had been lying on the floor, but figured that it had been quite a long time as there were no other people in the canteen and that the blood in his face had dried. With a lot of effort, Jared stood up. His body swayed warningly, but he managed to stay upright. "Let's go to my office and I'll fix you up." The nurse said and smiled sweetly.

Jared had to put some weight onto the small and frail woman as they walked. His side stung when he breathed. They soon got into her office that contained some lockers with medical gear and a bunk. She gestured for him to sit down on it. Jared did so, and could see himself in a huge mirror that hung sloping on one of the walls. He looked like a war survivor with the open eyebrow and dry blood in his stubble, that more looked like a beard now. The nurse cleaned him with tissues to get the blood away. "Is it okay if I shave you? There might be some wound hiding underneath your facial hair." She asked, and grabbed a razor and some shaving cream when Jared didn't answer. "Sorry for that. I've read your files and know that you're not that much of a talker." She added as she let the razor sweep over Jared's chin. Soon he was clean-shaven and smooth as a baby's bottom. It felt great for him, like he had regained some of his lost hygiene.

"I'll put a band aid over your nose and stitch your brow, and then we can only hope that it will heal properly." The nurse said as she pushed the needle of a shot into his skin. It was supposed to make the pain go away when she fixed him. "Jared, I don't think that you were the one who did it. You know the awful thing?" She mumbled. Jared wanted her to shut up. He didn't want to remember what had happened as he was working so damn hard on keeping the memory in the shadows.


	4. Savior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's psychiatrist Madison tries to make him draw something on a piece of paper. A feeling.  
> Jared don't want to do it at first but then gives in.

_\- Don't save me 'cause I don't care -_

 **May 13th, 2007**

Jared once again sat in the white therapy room with Madison who was trying to stare him into saying something. It had been a week since Roy had beaten Jared up pretty badly, and he was still recovering from the injuries. Now there were only bruises that told the surroundings of what had happened in the canteen eight days ago, but Jared did still feel sore in the area of his nose, which had been broken. The pain wasn't what bothered Jared at all, he was actually glad to feel something to prove that he was alive. The thing that bothered Jared was how hard it actually was not to talk. He often found himself on the brink of opening his mouth, and had to force the sounds back in again.

Today, Madison had put a clean sheet of paper in front of him on the table. On the side of the paper she had put together a pile of colored crayons and pens. Jared shot her a confused glance and she smiled sweetly. Since Jared spent so much time with her, and didn't want to talk, they had created a way of communicating with their eyes. A simple look could mean more than a whole year's worth of sentences and words. Madison did of course sometimes decode his mind in a way that favoured her, but really wasn't the thing in Jared's thoughts. He shot her a confused look as he watched the crayons and the paper. "I know that you don't want to do it. But, none of us will leave this room until you have scribbled something down on that paper." Madison said coolly and took her glasses off and blew out some hot air onto them. The glass got foggy, and she cleaned the see-through material with the sleeve of her shirt. Madison was casually dressed in a pair of boot-cut jeans and a black long-sleeved t-shirt. The only thing that pointed towards that she was a part of the staff, and not a visitor, was her name-tag which she had pinned onto her chest.

Jared still looked confused, and Madison shook her head slightly. Her auburn hair moved like a dark halo around her head. "You can describe a feeling you have with a color. Or, maybe draw something from your mind. A memory?" Madison suggested and smiled warmly. Jared shook his head and buried his face into his palms. He did not want to draw anything on that stupid sheet of paper. He wanted her to talk about the world in general, like she usually did, and not force him to get personal. "Please, don't make us stay here until midnight." Madison pleaded. Jared looked up again and met her hazel eyes. He tried to send her a message through his gaze, a message to tell her to just knock it off already. Madison shrugged and didn't let his wishes get to her. "Just do it Jared. It won't kill you."

He had had enough, as she didn't seem to get it. Jared wasn't in the mood to play a silly game, or to draw something like a first-grader would do. He picked one pen up to see how Madison inhaled and looked excited, then he broke it right before her eyes with his thumb. Just like that, he broke something inside of Madison too and she snapped. Her excitement was completely blown away and gone as she exhaled again. "For crying out loud, Mr. Leto! Stop acting like a child and get yourself together!" She snarled and dug her nails into her own thigh. It would later leave red marks on her skin. Madison knew that she had stepped over the line dramatically when she had taken her anger out on the patient. But she also knew that there was nothing wrong with Jared's voice, and that his sudden silence only was an act of stubbornness. Maybe to hide something from her and the rest of the world?

Jared stared at Madison from under his bangs with an arched eyebrow. It was the first, but not only time, that he had made her upset. Reluctantly, Jared picked a black crayon up and drew a line right over the paper to separate it into two sections. In the right box Jared drew a flash and some raindrops, and in the other box he drew a sun with the black crayon. It had a lot of meaning behind it in Jared's eyes. The right half represented his life now, with the constant rain and setbacks mixed with the awful flashbacks that he so desperately wanted to eliminate. The right half with the sun was a sign of the fame and success that he had had before the awful things happened. It was painted with the black crayon because of the darkness that always had a tendency of lingering over him.

Madison breathed heavily and stroked a couples strands of hair out of her face. "That's great, Jared." She breathed. He bit his lip until the point where the skin gave in and it actually bled. The irony taste of blood touched his tongue, and Jared shivered. He had never planned on even trying to communicate with someone ever again in any way. But the damn Madison had after just a short period of time started to get to him, breaking down his barriers that protected him. "I knew that you would do it eventually. You are person who is very expressive and artistic." Madison stated with a nod. Jared felt a fog of darkness that swept in from his gaze. He yapped for air as he knew that it was a flashback. Jared had never tried to fight against it before, but he was determined to at least try now. The memory of the night in February was somewhere inside his head, and he would do everything not to relive it once again.

It was harder than he thought to fight. The chair seemed to be too small for a battle-scene of his flashback's proportions, and he got up to his feet. Light flimmered in front of his eyes, turning a lamp on and off. "Jared, sit down." Madison ordered. She got worried when he didn't listen, and just put his hands against the wall and breathed so loud that she could hear it. The flashback had almost taken over, and Jared made a last effort to push it away. He pushed himself violently against the wall and growled. Jared was totally drained of energy and fell onto the floor in a mess. The flashback took over.

Madison shrieked when Jared fell to the floor with a loud bang. She got out of her chair and hurried down to his side. "Jared? Jared!" Madison screamed and turned him to his back. She watched his eyes doze off into space.

 **December 25th, 1985**   
_  
"Jared, it's your birthday tomorrow." Shannon said, as a matter of fact. He hit his brother in the back of his head with a rolled up comic-book when he didn't answer. Jared hummed something back to Shannon and rolled his eyes. "I can't believe that you're turning fourteen since you act so much like a baby." Shannon snickered._

 _"Right... Asshole." Jared snapped back and gave Shannon the middle finger. Jared slid down into his bed and hugged the covers tightly. He wanted to just go to sleep so that he could wake up to a present and a cake. "Are you really going to sleep now? It's like 8 pm." Shannon asked slowly, and tugged at Jared's cover. Jared held on to the warm mantle tightly and growled. "Yes, yes I am. Get out of my room!" He snarled as a response. Shannon brought his hands up into the air like a gesture of peace and backed. "What do you wish to get tomorrow?" Shannon asked where he stood with half of his body inside Jared's room and the other half in the hallway. Jared thought a second about that. "I would like to get a guitar... Or maybe an easel." He then answered thoughtfully._

 _Shannon grinned and slowly shut the door. "Goodnight bro!" He called.  
*_  
Jared's eyes fluttered open, and the light gave him a massive headache. He was lying on a bunk in a room which he recognized. Bent over him stood both Madison and the nurse. "You've been out for quite some time Mr. Leto." The nurse said and exited the room quickly as Madison shot her a lethal glance. Jared's mouth was dry, and he wished that he could have a glass of water. "What happened?" Madison asked, with something familiar in her voice. Jared recognized the tone, but couldn't put his finger on exactly what it was. "You scared the shit out of me. First you were doing amazing progress, then you just passed out on the floor." Madison mumbled, and Jared knew what the thing in her voice was. She cared about him, she was worried. He felt like it had been a long time ago since anyone ever spoke to him that way.

Jared let a small cough escape his lips. The flashback hasn't been that bad, but he was still afraid of what the next one would show him. Madison raked her long, dark hair desperately and sighed. "You are one damn tricky puzzle, Leto."


	5. Far, Far Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madison analyzes one of Jared's songlyrics with him. An outburst of emotions scares Madison and she decides to not continue to be Jared's psychiatrist.

_\- Did you ever believe? Were you ever a dreamer? -_

 **May 15th, 2007**

Madison studied her papers carefully. "So..." She started and lifted her gaze up to look at her quiet patient. Jared crossed his legs and comfortably leaned back into the brown mocha-chair. Everything in that damned therapy room was uninteresting and already explored. He blew out a mouthful of air in a loud huff. Madison shook her head, but her lips twitched upwards. She and Jared had spent a few hours together every day since he got there, and she was getting strangely attached to the silent singer. "We should probably talk about that drawing that you made right before you passed out." She said and wrote something down on a pad. Jared shook his head violently as he didn't want to get into that subject.

Two days ago Madison had asked him to draw something on a sheet of paper, and he had actually done it. The things he put down on that paper meant a lot to him, and was probably the thing that triggered the flashback. Talking about it with Madison meant that she would try to figure it out, and he would give her glares when she was totally out in the air and shrug at everything else.

"But we won't do it today." Madison declared and grinned. Jared smiled briefly as it satisfied everything that he had hoped for. Madison coughed and smirked viciously. "We'll save that conversation for tomorrow's session." She said, trying to hold back laughter. Jared felt like slapping his head and groan loudly. Madison was teasing him and that was something the big ladies-man Jared Leto wasn't used to. He shot her a look that excluded just how much he disapproved of talking about such matters. Madison grinned and her grey eyes sparkled with mischief. The psychiatrist knew that she had the upper hand, and she knew it very well.

"I have listened to you music, and I found some lyrics that interested me." Madison said and shoved a small piece of paper towards Jared. He read some words that she had scribbled down on the note and bit his lip.

 **To find yourself just look inside the wreckage of your past  
To lose it, all you have to do is lie  
The policy is set and we are never turning back  
It's time for execution; time to execute**

Jared got cold inside as he saw the lyrics from their song R-Evolve that he had once written. **Look inside the wreckage of your past** , yeah, Jared sure did have one hell of a wreck behind him. **To lose it, all you have to do is lie** , the sentence hit Jared like a punch right into the gut. **It's time for execution** , he gasped and blinked away a couple of tears that banged his closed eyelids. The familiar words were so betraying as they laid there, staring at him with their inky eyes. Madison watched the grown man in front of her who curled his hands into balls and fought the tears that stubbornly ran down his cheeks. She felt really bad for evoking the reaction. "Jared, I'm sorry if the note made you feel... uncomfortable. But can't you please speak to me? Explain this reaction of yours." Madison asked, her eyes pleading the devastated man for forgiveness with every cell inside of her body. "I know that it can't have anything to do with Yolanda's death because you wrote it so long ago, but please?"

The psychiatrist with the long, auburn hair thought that she and Jared wasn't so different from each other. They were both about the same age, even though Jared was two years younger than her, and both of them were proportional and good-looking without an own family. Madison wondered how Jared's life would've turned out if he had made other choices in life. She had actually looked up a few interviews on the Internet with 30 Seconds To Mars and Jared Leto, and from what she had heard, he was a genuine and good guy.

Jared let out a howl that couldn't be classified as human whatsoever. It penetrated Madison's heart like a spear and her lips trembled. She was close to losing it and fall into tears, just like Jared. Then the singer lifted his head up and stared at Madison, looking demonic and utterly haunted. He had snot running down his nose and his whole body shook. The blue eyes were blood-shot and puffy. The look said one thing, and one thing only. 'Let me out of here'. Madison looked down upon her hands. Her nails were painted blue and she started chipping the polish off. "I'll see you tomorrow." Madison said quietly. Jared rose up to his feet and fled out through the door and slammed it close as he left.

When the patient was gone, Madison inhaled deeply. As she exhaled, a wail cut through the air like a knife and the brunette threw her head back and cried. The blue nails dug into the chair and ripped some of the fabric. "Fuck, fuck, fuck you for being so fucking hopeless." Madison breathed and snarled. The psychiatrist had thought that she had dealt with them all, everything from depressed teenagers to severe psychopaths. But she hadn't dealt with anyone like Jared before, and she felt powerless. His behavior tore her apart. She didn't know what to do, and how she felt about being dragged into evaluating the singer's brain. Madison made a decision in that moment, and exited the room with new pep in her strut.

Jared decided to skip lunch and headed directly to his room, which was better described as a cold cell. Luckily, Valentino stood outside, ready to let him in. "You're early, Leto." Valentino said and shook his big, shaved head slowly. Then he realized how the patient looked and tightened his lips while he fumbled with the key in the lock. Jared was staring at him with red and crazy eyes. Valentino kept looking over his shoulder at the man as he opened the door. "Have a good time until dinner." Valentino said, trying to keep the nervousness out of his voice. Jared pushed past the bald guard and rushed inside the room and threw himself onto the bed that was installed directly into the wall. He buried his face deep into the pillow and muffled a scream. Then the darkness started to flash before the singer's eyes. Jared didn't know if he was falling asleep or flashbacking, and he honestly didn't care.

 **February 2th, 1986**   
_  
"Are you ready?" Jared asked and looked down upon the naked girl underneath him. He was dizzy with excitement and lust as he was about to lose his virginity once and for all. "I... I don't know." She answered and inhaled loudly. Her name was Matisse, and she had dated Jared for a week. Jared was fourteen, and felt like the king of the world as he lowered his head down to give the girl a comforting kiss. His hand grazed softly over one of her nipples, and Matisse's air flew out of her lungs in a sharp exhale._

 _"Are you ready?" Jared murmured again. Matisse nodded, and her short blond hair looked lively. Jared swallowed and stuck his tongue out a little as he concentrated. And then penetrated. Matisse's head flung back and she hissed because of the stinging pain. Tears escaped her eyes, and Jared felt bad. "Do you want me to stop?" He asked reluctantly. Matisse nodded, unable to talk through the sobs. Jared jerked his hips forward one last time before he pulled out. Eventually, Matisse calmed down enough to put her clothes on. "I'm so sorry Jared. We can try again some other time." She mumbled and looked down upon her hands, feeling dirty. "Yeah, right." Jared answered._

 _They didn't sleep with each other again, and their relationship soon ran out into the sand.  
*  
_  
Madison threw the pile of paper which contained Jared's life onto the desk. The man behind the desk jumped and looked startled, before he grinned. "Well, hello Madison Ivory. What's on your mind?" The boss of Martha's staff asked and licked his lips slowly as they felt dry. "I can't do this anymore Garth. Someone else is going to have to take on the Leto-case." Madison said and threw her hands up into the air, a gesture of defeat. Garth eyed the pile of paper and sighed. "Damn Ivory, I didn't think that no one could get to you. Guess I was wrong."


	6. Horror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is going through his usual morning routine which is showering. He then has to go to the canteen to eat breakfast.  
> Jared falls into another flashback in the crowded room, but no one seems to notice him.  
> Jared also gets to meet his new psychiatrist and she doesn't make a very good first impression.

_\- A warning to the people, the good and the evil -_

 **May 16th, 2007**

Jared woke up a couple of minutes earlier than usual. He stayed in bed and stared up at the white ceiling. His head felt like a huge and heavy brick that was tightly glues to his pillow as he huffed out a mouthful of hot air.  
Jared felt a bit ashamed for acting like a jerk towards Madison. She hadn't deserved being treated badly and Jared wasn't a man who acted like an ass without reason. He was just so afraid of flashbacking again, and again, and again... Jared's now long hair tickled his face and annoyed him enormously much. The former rockstar thought how great it'd be if he had access to an electric razor or a pair of scissors, then he could cut his ridiculously long hair and shave off the great amounts of facial hair. But that wouldn't happen in a million years since he was a patient and according to the staff not a very reliable one as well. Not like Jared had ever done anything to harm anyone at Martha's, he was just a question mark and therefor a threat.

The guards, nurses and psychiatrists didn't even let their patients near a sharp object in fear of them hurting themselves or others. That happened after a severely disturbed woman with split personalities killed herself by using a razor blade as a grater. Let's just say that she used her body as a living cheese.  
Jared touched his bristly cheeks with the sensitive tips of his fingers and felt the stubble underneath. He wanted the hair gone. Gone somewhere where he couldn't see or feel the roughness of it.

Jared rolled out of bed and entered the small bathroom which belonged to the cell. Or, dorm as the staff so nicely put it. He turned the water on in the moldy shower and turned the heat up to maximum. The clothes were quickly shed from Jared's body who got skinnier for each and every day. He entered the shower and hissed, pleased with the scalding hot water which embraced his naked body. The stench of the filthy sheets went down the rusty drain and made the singer feel a bit lighter. It took great amounts of will-power to resist humming as he suddenly felt a beat that started building up from somewhere in the depth of his whole being.

Suddenly a loud bang startled Jared and brought him out of his bubble of steaming air and water. "Hey, you're going to be late for breakfast!" the voice of Valentino screeched from outside the cell and he slammed his huge fist into the wall. Jared quickly turned off the water and jumped out of the shower. He quickly dried himself with a rough and old towel, got into the red overall and hurried to the door where Valentino let him out. Jared's hair was still dripping wet as he entered the canteen just before the rest of the patients. Jared put some milk and a plate with yogurt on his tray and walked to his favorite seat in the whole canteen. A bench in the far corner, placed in the shadows, of the canteen. A place where Jared could eat alone and in peace.

He put the first spoon of the smooth substance in his mouth and sucked it down contently. Then the familiar darkness arrived. Jared leaned his head to the side against the wall and sighed.

 **July 11th, 2000**   
_  
"Aren't you going to call her?" Shannon asked his little brother and grinned. Jared turned to face his older brother with a glass of milk in his hand and shook his head slowly. Shannon gasped and jumped down off of the counter, which he sat on, and grabbed his brothers shoulders and shook him roughly. Jared spilled almost half of the glass onto his own shirt and on the wooden floor. "What the fuck are you doing Shan? Are you going nuts for real?" Jared spat and frowned. Shannon sighed loudly and dramatically. "No, you're the one who is going insane! Why aren't you going to call her?" The older brother screeched.  
"Just... because." Jared answered and pouted childishly. "'Because' isn't an answer and you know it." Shannon growled. Jared removed his brothers hands from his body and walked over to the counter to grab some paper to clean up the milky mess with._

 _"Fine, I don't want her to think that I'm clingy or anything." Jared said quietly as he sat down on the floor and mopped up the spilled milk. Shannon suddenly started laughing out loud. He raced down the hall and grabbed Jared's phone and then raced back into the kitchen again, jumping over small obstacles as scattered shoes and guitars. "Here. Call her." Shannon ordered and practically shoved the phone into Jared's hand.  
"Are you deaf or didn't you hear what I just said?" Jared asked, a bit annoyed with his older brother. But he still held on to the phone with his clenched hand. Shannon raised his hands up into the sky. "I heard you bro." he answered. Jared opened his mouth to scold his brother but got cut off. "Just call her. She won't think that you're clingy at all. She was all over you yesterday, and plus, she also gave you her number." Shannon continued and grinned._

 _Jared reluctantly smiled. "No shit?" he said. "No shit." Shannon replied. The younger brother inhaled deeply and dialed the number and put the phone to his ear.  
"Hey... Is this Yolanda? Really? Great... Well, I wondered if you would like to go out tomorrow night?"_  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jared snapped back to reality and exhaled sharply. He was alone in the canteen and it was time for his session with Madison. Jared rushed down the hall to the therapy room and hurried inside the room. Without looking up he sank down into the same old chair.  
Then he looked up to see something he didn't expect. An old woman with grey hair and huge glasses who looked extremely strict and up-tight.

 

"Hello Mr Leto. I'm Micha and I'm going to be your psychiatrist from now on." she said and opened a thick file which laid on her table. Jared could read his name on the file. "Madison couldn't handle the pressure. And as I can see..." she opened the file and scanned it quickly. "she hasn't made much progress with you. She's not the one to blame though, she is young, dumb and inexperienced..."


	7. Brining Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared doesn't get along with his new psychiatrist. The flashback is from the first date that Jared and Yolanda had.

_\- So don't forget to breathe tonight -_

 **May 16th, 2007**

Jared immediately decided that he would never like Micha, his new psychiatrist, because of how she put Madison in a bad kind of light. As if it had been her fault that Jared hadn't started talking.  
"It's time to drop the act." Micha said coldly and leaned back into her chair with her arms crossed over her flabby chest. Jared refused to even look at the strict and repulsive old woman who smirked and looked disgustingly superior.  
"Just talk. Stop the bullshit now and spill about what happened that night in February." she ordered with the same cold tone as before. Micha had a feeling that she had the upper hand and the last saying. It was a bit like a competition for her as Madison had given up on Jared's case and therefor failed miserably. That spurred Micha to crack Jared's stubborn will like a powerless nut.

Jared disliked the woman more for each and every word she said. The sound of her voice was like jumping green frogs and stinking feet combined in a soup of yuck. Jared bit his lip hard. He wouldn't ever give her the pleasure of hearing him speak. He was not going to let her win but she wasn't going to give up without a fight.  
"I see that you and Dr. Ivory didn't do much." Micha stated and bent forward to pick the large and thick file up. "Communicating via your eyes and a drawing... Pathetic." she spat with aversion. Micha could not believe how Madison could be so sloppy that she hadn't made any progress at all with the patient.  
"So, Jared..." Micha said loudly to get her patients attention. She failed though as Jared pretended like he hadn't heard a word. He had the strategy to treat Micha like air so that she would eventually realize that it was hopeless and give up.

Jared wondered why Madison had thrown in the towel and given up on him. He hoped dearly that she would get back to her senses and get back on his case again. Even if Jared had treated her kind of badly he still felt like they shared something that couldn't be seen or felt and that they felt comfortable around each other. He mourned the loss of the only person he could truly relax around quietly in his head.

"How was it to kill Yolanda? Did it feel good? Did she scream and fight? Was it satisfying?" Micha asked coolly and drummed her fingertips on top of the hard surface of Jared's file. By a reflex, Jared gasped and closed his eyes hard. He desperately tried to make his own head empty, black and blank but didn't have the power to do so. He also didn't have the powers to fight against the arriving flashback. The darkness wrapped him up like a cold and terrifying blanket. A choking, strangling and smothering feeling made the world blurry as Jared tried to open his light blue eyes. Then he could see something clearly from a distance.  
A table with living candles. A woman sat at the table. A woman with a black strapless dress and honeyblond hair which danced on her shoulders as she laughed.  
Jared felt himself being sucked into the vision.

 **July 12th, 2000**   
_  
"So you're both an actor and a musician?" Yolanda asked shyly. She had made an amazing effort on looking good for hers and Jared's dinner date. Yolanda had put on a ton of mascara and had spent at least an hour with her pink straightening iron in her hand. And even then we haven't mentioned the time it took for her to actually choose the simple black dress to wear.  
Jared on the other side was more casually dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a white long sleeved buttoned down shirt. But Jared was nervous too. Maybe even more nervous than Yolanda.  
He had always had a silly fear of being rejected._

 _"Yeah, you can say that." Jared stuttered back as a reply. He took a sip of the wine he had ordered in before their starters. Then he panicked as he realized that he hadn't given her a question in return. Jared almost spat out the mouthful of wine in his heat. "So, what is your job?" Jared asked and tried to sound calm and collected. He hoped that his panic wouldn't shine through the facade. Yolanda envied Jared for seeming so cool and calm as she herself felt like a nervous wreck. She had no idea that he felt exactly the same thing right there over the table.  
"I'm studying hardcore to become a doctor." she answered and reached for her wine glass to chug down the contents of it. Sadly, she missed her mouth and the red fluids splattered all over her and the table.  
She stiffened and cursed like an old sailor inside her head. She couldn't believe that she had embarrassed herself like that in front of the incredibly handsome stranger. _

_The corners of Jared's lips started twitching and he broke out into a loud laugh. Yolanda looked down upon the stained tablecloth and her ruined dress and could do nothing but laugh herself at the hilarious situation. From that second on the awkwardness and nervousness was completely blown away between the two of them._

 __\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Jared snapped back to reality only to see Micha staring right back at him.  
"I don't appreciate you sleeping during our valuable and important sessions." she snarled. Her foggy eyes shot lightnings as she was furious. Jared exhaled and felt relieved as he was back again. The flashbacks only got closer and closer to the events that Jared most of all would just like to forget. The memories who needed to be locked away for good.

When Jared had left the therapy room, Micha grabbed the thick file and marched right down to Garth's office. Garth was the boss who kept the place running and had the last saying in exactly everything that happened inside the walls of Martha's. She knocked on his door but didn't wait for an answer before she entered the room. Garth jumped and touched the left side of his chest.  
"Oh my... Micha. You scared me!" he huffed and breathed heavily. Micha didn't care about his condition at all.

"I have now had my first session with the patient. Jared Leto." Micha stated loudly and paced the room with Jared's file tightly clenched into her wrinkled hand. Garth watched her and thought to himself that the pacing couldn't be a good sign. He had worked with Micha for years and knew how she reacted when she met obstacles.  
"How did it go?" Garth asked politely and exhaled loudly. Micha stopped in her tracks and snarled quietly.  
"That bastard is messing with my head. He won't speak even though there's nothing wrong with him." Micha growled and threw the file over Garth's desktop. "Well, I warned you that he wasn't going to be easy." Garth explained and raked his thinning dark hair.

"I want to have your permission on trying some... drastic moves on him." Micha suddenly said softly. Garth arched his brows in confusion. "What exactly are you suggesting?" he asked curiously.  
"That if the patient continues to refuse talking we make him talk." she hummed and grinned.  
"I still don't understand." Garth sighed.  
"I mean electric shocks. Beatings. Bring him so much pain that he'll spill about everything." Micha said calmly. Garth's heart almost stopped. Sure he wanted Jared to speak, but he didn't know if it was worth taking the risk and actually harm the man.

Garth coughed. "Give Leto two more days to talk by his own free will. If he doesn't I might consider your idea."


	8. Madison's Diary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Madison wrote in her diary May 16th.

_\- Between heaven and hell -_

 **May 16th, 2007**

Dear diary,  
I don't know myself anymore. I can barely breathe while writing this. It's in the middle of the fucking night and I just can't sleep with everything that is going on inside of my head.  
My bed is still warm from where Liam laid a couple of minutes ago.  
Yes, I know that you're disappointed Diary. I promised to never call him again, it's just that he is so damn easy. Tonight I used him. Like every other time I feel upset I called him and asked him to come over.  
Liam has been chasing me since high school, I guess that I am some weird kind of image of a perfect woman to him. He has got some issues and when it feels necessary for me I take advantage of him.

It's been two whole days since I gave up and dropped the Leto-case. There are now two Madisons. Madison before Jared Leto and Madison after Jared Leto.  
I remember how Garth was so worried when I took on Jared's case. "This ain't going to be easy," he said and reluctantly handed me the file and from that moment on the journey began.  
I also remember the first time I met Jared. It was just after he had been transferred to Martha's and I was so confident when I stepped into the room. He sat down next to a lawyer.  
Jared's beautiful blue eyes was staring at the floor. Now after spending some time with him I know that he wasn't looking at anything at all.  
His eyes were open but he wasn't really present. It took a few days before I reached out and could contact him. I guess that it was small pieces of shock that shattered and left him.

The biggest problem with the whole Leto-case was that he refused to speak. The doctors who examined Jared said that there was nothing wrong with his body, so the muteness was something that he made up in his head. I believe that Jared is extremely smart. How could he otherwise be such a big star?  
You have to have something inside your skull if you succeed to enchant millions of people with your music and acting. With that I mean that he must have felt like he really needed to stay quiet.  
My question to that is: why? What could possibly be so dark and dreadful that you force yourself not to say a word?

I would love to be that person who found out what was going on in Jared's head. But I just had to let go of the case.  
For every small step forward he made, like with the drawing, something happened and he moved back to where we first began again. The second reason to why I let go of the case is that I started to care for him. Care is good you say but not when you feel like I do.  
I dream of him. I dream of holding him, touching him... That's not appropriate thoughts for a psychiatrist. Maybe I need to see a shrink myself? That'd be fucked up.  
I've started listening to his music. Hearing his voice is kind of soothing.

I wonder how he reacted when I wasn't there yesterday. From what I heard, Micha is his new psychiatrist. Too bad for him since she's an old bitch. She believes that she is a genius and on top of the world.  
I really hope that he won't do anything stupid now that I'm gone.

Now back to Liam. We had sex tonight. As we rolled around with sheets wrapped around our sweating bodies something happened. I opened my eyes to meet his and Liam transformed right in front of me. His features got manlier and his eyes got a dreamy blue color. Liam had turned into Jared.  
I moaned and dug my fingernails into his steaming back. Every touch and sensation felt stronger when I thought it was Jared who I was being intimate with.  
How disturbing isn't that? Me dreaming of screwing a patient who is accused of murder.

Do I believe that he killed his girlfriend? I don't know.  
I believe that Jared is a wonderful person. But everyone is capable of killing. Everyone.  
In extreme situations of fright, anger or surprise anything can happen.  
Do you think that I can get the case back, Diary? I doubt it.  
I want to solve the Leto-puzzle. But can I do it and still keep my sanity?  
It feels empty knowing that someone else is trying to figure him out right now. I'm jealous.

Now I decided that I'll try to get the case back. Not right now, though. I need time for myself.  
I'm broken and I don't know myself anymore.  
Maybe I'm a whole different person. Maybe it's positive.  
I'm tired and rambling.  
Goodnight Diary.


	9. Sexual Frustration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's movie night at Martha's and Jared falls into another flashback in the theatre.

_\- It's all just to save your faith -_

 **May 17th, 2007**

"Aren't you getting tired of pulling this prank on us? Having you here costs a lot for our country which is financing your stay here. Maybe it's like a vacation for you?" Micha said. She had said weird things to attract attention the whole afternoon-session with Jared. He wasn't listening though, as his mind only was focused and thought about Madison. Jared wondered what she was doing and if she would ever come back. He sure hoped that she would be a savior and march in through the white door at any second.  
The clock was ticking and Micha knew that she would have to let Jared go for the day soon because of the monthly movie-night at Martha's. She wasn't worried though as she knew that there was only one day left of Jared's silence before Garth would agree on letting her practise alternative methods on the singer to force sounds out of his mouth.  
She grinned softly and rose up on her pumps-covered feet.

"It seems like our time for today is up. Have a wonderful night and I'll see you tomorrow." Micha cooed and shooed Jared out of his chair. During the whole time she was smiling. Micha longed for the moment when she would break the man down to little pieces. She really wanted to destroy him and break him down completely. No one could ignore her and get away with it without being punished. Jared walked out of the room with his head hanging down on his chest so that his chin almost touched it. He wasn't that happy about the movie-night as he didn't like interacting and being around other patients.  
Roy, the man who beat Jared up for nothing, would definitely be there and Jared wasn't overly excited about risking ending up in a second round with him. Not like Jared would ever take the initiative to talk to any of the patient in Martha's. He was more fond of just walking around in silence and being ignored, like a living dead zombie. In that way he didn't attract any unwanted attention.

When Jared arrived to the dim and dark theatre-like room he sank down in the chair closest to the exit. In that way he would get the hell out of there as soon as the credits started rolling on the huge screen. His red prisoners-suit rustled as it met the vinyl covered seat. Everyone was there, even the guards. Jared could see Valentino standing with another guard, showing off the newly made tattoo, which was a portrait of his daugther, on his arm.  
Jared normally enjoyed, or even loved, movies being an actor and all. But it wasn't the same thing now.  
All of the patients laughed and chatted with each other loudly while stuffing their grinning mouths full with greasy pop-corns. A young male who Jared hadn't seen there before stood next to the singer and looked down upon him.  
"Is it okay if I take the seat next to you?" he asked. Jared made a small nodding motion and the guy pushed past him and landed his rear into the chair with a small 'pop'.

The movie started and everyone booed as they realized that it was Grease. "This film is for faggots!" Roy screamed from the other side of the theatre and scattered showers of agreeing grunts could be heard all over the room. The new guy leaned over to Jared and cupped his hands over the singer's ear. "I actually like this movie." he whispered and giggled quietly.  
Jared closed his eyes and rested his head against the seat. The darkness came. Overwhelming and immovable.

 **March 2nd, 2000**   
_  
Jennifer Connelly walked over to Jared with a big cup of steaming coffee in her hands. Her hips swayed like a rocking boat. "You did great on your scene today. It felt so pure and realistic when you spoke into the phone and cried." she said and took a small sip from the plastic cup. It was apparently way too hot as her face scrunched up in a grimace and she spat it out on the ground.  
"Thanks. I'm exhausted from acting all day long." Jared said and raked his dark hair with his fingers while he fired off a dazzling Hollywood-smile. He had felt weak for weeks. Probably because he had lost much weight for the role as Harry Goldfarb. _

_"That's great. It means that you gave the scene your whole mind and soul." Jennifer said and waved her right arm dramatically. The huge rings on her fingers jingled as they hit each other.  
"Do you know when we're done for the night? I could use a few hours of sleep." Jared asked and smiled weakly. He imagined how it would feel to crawl down between soft and chilly covers and finally rest. Jennifer shook her head and her long hair danced like a dark shadow in the air. "A shooting actor never sleeps." she said and winked flirtingly. Jared noticed how her blue jeans hugged her thighs seductively._

 _"You might have a point." Jared said thoughtfully and gazed into Jennifer's eyes. It had been a while since he had been with a woman as he had been busy working. "I'm always right." she whispered and put her hands on Jared's sides. She held him carefully like he was a fragile piece of art. Jared leaned in to the woman's face and caressed her cheek with his rough thumb. Jennifer grabbed Jared's head and forced his lips down to hers. They shared their DNA, saliva and sexual frustrations through the heated kiss. Sure, they had kissed a thousand times on set but this was different since it wasn't a romantic gesture between two characters.  
It was only raw lust. No actual feeling beneath the horny facade._

 _"Where's your trailer?" Jared asked breathlessly as he pulled away for a brief second to catch some air. Jennifer swallowed hard and pointed to where it was located and they wandered off into the blackness of the night._  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey, you!"  
Jared felt how someone shook him back to the real world. It was the new guy who stood bent over him with his hands firmly placed on the singer's arms. Jared blinked a few times and looked at the guy.  
He couldn't possibly be a day over 25 as he looked so very young with his spotless, smooth face and girly haircut. The guy smiled and looked proud as he had succeeded with waking Jared up.  
"The movie is over." He said and gestured towards the black screen. The two of them were the only people who were still there besides a couple of guards.

 

Jared got up and walked towards the exit. The guy followed him outside like an annoying tail. Jared could hear the young guy's breathing from behind as he walked through the corridors towards his room. The guy suddenly jumped forward and stopped Jared by pulling his arm backwards. Jared felt annoyed by the irritating young man.  
"Hey, you! My name is Albert." he said and grinned widely like a fool. Jared suspected that the guy was a bit slow or just plain insane, and it was a logical thought as they after all was locked up at Martha's.  
"I'm from Alabama. I got my name from my daddy. His name was also Albert! We lived on a chicken-farm. Mommy was good at cookin' the hens." the boy whose name was Albert said and giggled.

Luckily for Jared, Valentino came like a guardian angel and saved him from having to listen to Albert's meaningless rambling. "Oh, there you are Leto! Hurry up and go to your room so I can lock it for the night." Valentino said and brought the singer back to the room with him.  
Jared slept like a log that night. Total darkness without a trace of stupid nightmares.


	10. The Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared gets a flashback right next to Valentino. The flashback is about an amusing plane-trip to Norway.  
> Micha then gets ready to use 'the room'.

_\- I hate the taste of your poison.-_

 **May 18th, 2007**

His name is Jared. Jared Leto. He is a wreck. A person without a longing and without a passion for life. He is on the edge of falling down but that is something that he doesn't know just yet. Because the hole is completely made by Micha. A hole of 'alternative methods', where the patient is forced to obey.

"This is your last chance to speak before something unpleasant will happen." Micha said and smirked viciously. Jared wondered what in the world she meant by saying that but shook the words off like a light blanket. He didn't really care about what she said as he figured that it probably was just another way of meaningless babbling where she believed that he would suddenly start talking.  
Jared was silent. Micha was excited.  
Her fingers itched for the moment when she would bring the singer down. She could taste something in her mouth. The familiar taste of being the one and only winner.

Micha had always been a bad loser, even as a young child. When her two older siblings crushed her in Monopoly, Micha would scream and cry until she fell asleep because of total exhaustion. It reached to a point where no one even wanted to play a game against her.  
They were afraid of what her reaction would be if she lost. But Micha rarely lost as she was just as much of a cheater as she was a bad loser.  
Her past boyfriends were also in for a terrifying surprise if they dared to dump her. Micha had done many awful things over the years. One of the worst of those things was sabotaging the car of an ex-boyfriend who broke up with her because of her bad temper.

"I know that you want to talk, really. Because if you can't get yourself heard you don't exist." Micha began to say and smiled with a fake sweetness. "And isn't that what you stars are all about? Being seen and heard?" she then continued with a cruel look upon her face.  
Jared had an urge to laugh out loud since Micha's attempts of making him talk were... let's say it in a nice way, tragic. Jared thought that Micha looked younger and livelier that particular day. Not like Jared ever registered Micha anywhere near a bubbly and nice person.  
She still looked happier than he had ever seen her and she wasn't even half of the bitch she used to be.

Micha tapped her fingers on the wooden table and sighed loudly. She hadn't expected an answer from the silent dark-haired singer. And she hadn't wanted him to speak just yet either.  
"It is okay for you to go now if you aren't planning on saying anything." Micha said and watched Jared who immediately got up to his feet and exited the small therapy room.  
Micha remained sitting in her seat while smirking to herself. It was time to put the plans into actions.

Jared walked down the long and empty corridors before he entered the corridor which his room was in. Valentino was there to let him in.  
The muscular guard fiddled with the bunch of keys ,which had a key to each room in Martha's, and put the one to Jared's room into the lock. "You're back early." he grunted with his back turned to Jared. Valentino knew that he was practically talking to himself since Jared wouldn't answer. Jared watched Valentino's back carefully as the man was bending over to open the door. He could have just knocked the big guard down, taken the keys, and got out of there.  
But Jared didn't. He didn't see a reason to escape when there was nothing left for him on the other side of the institution's huge walls.

The singer suddenly felt how the air escaped his lungs. His vision got blurred and he had a hard time trying to stand upright. Valentino still hadn't noticed anything unusual as the lock seemed to be stuck in a locked condition.  
Jared backed until his back slammed into a wall. A gasp escaped his dry lips as he sunk down to the ground and disappeared into the land of his old memories.  
Valentino had heard the gasp and turned around quickly only to see the former rock-star lying in a heap on the floor.  
"What the fuck?" he blurted out and crouched down to touch Jared's arm. When Jared didn't react, Valentino turned the unconscious body so that it was facing him. Jared's eyes were wide open with a blank stare.  
"Fuck! I need a fucking doctor in here!" Valentino screamed and the sound of his voice echoed like a bouncing bullet between the cement walls. He shook Jared's body and broke out into a massive sweat as the singer still didn't give him any signs of life.

 **November 30th, 2006**   
_  
"Man, we've been on this freaking world tour for like... forever." Tomo grunted before he sunk down into his seat and turned his iPod on. Jared could do nothing but agree, it had been three awesome months of touring all over Europe and Asia. But at the same time he missed everything back home in the US.  
30 Seconds To Mars was doing good, or great actually. They played a show every single night for sold out arenas. A dream come true for every musician.  
Still Jared glanced out of the plane's windows and felt homesick. _

_Matt was writing something in a notebook, Tomo was listening to music and Shannon was jumping around hunting for females. Jared's little brother wolfwhisteled as an airhostess came and asked them if they wanted anything from the snack bar.  
"What are you offering? Sweets? I love candy. Especially chocolate." Shannon whispered and winked to the hostess with an ebony skincolor. Jared actually felt ashamed for how his brother behaved and turned red.  
The hostess handled it well though. She just shook her head slowly.  
"No, but I know something that I think you'd might like." she said and smiled sweetly. Shannon licked his lips from side to side and looked hungrily at the polite woman. "What would that be?" he asked with a hoarse voice. Shannon was obviously expecting to get a sweet treat from the airhostess.  
"Well, you look like someone who likes nuts." she said and held a bag of salted nuts in her hand. Both Matt and Jared burst into fits of insane laughter as they watched Shannon's baffled face. "No thanks." Shannon muttered and turned his face away in shame.  
"That was priceless!" Matt whispered loudly to Jared who nodded and laughed again. _

_The plane was about to land when Shannon started talking again.  
"Hey bro! Where are we going to play tonight?" he asked with excitement in his voice.  
"Norway." Jared answered."Really? Oh, I love saunas." Shannon said with a dreamy face and sunk back down into his seat.  
Matt glanced over at Jared and rolled his eyes. The youngest Leto-brother giggled at his unknowing older brother. _

_As soon as the plane was on the ground Jared turned his phone on and called Yolanda."Hey baby. We're in Norway now." he said and smiled to himself. Just by talking to his girlfriend made him feel like he was back home again."Okay. Sounds great, but when are you coming back home? The house is so empty without you." Yolanda said."I'll be back in America in a week. Then we'll go on our US-tour. You can come with us. It'll be like a roadtrip with the band." Jared babbled. He was so excited to bring Yolanda with him on the tour.  
"Okay." she said before she hung up. Jared wondered what he had said to make her so upset.   
_  
Garth wasn't happy when Micha stormed into his office.  
"He hasn't said a word." she simply said. Garth nodded. A promise is a promise, and he had to keep it even though he actually didn't want to.  
"Fine. I'll book the room for you tomorrow." he said and sighed.  
"The room? Oh, this is going to be good." Micha said quietly to herself. She then exited Garth's office with one thought on her mind.

The room.


	11. Guardian Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone saves Jared from having to enter 'the room'. He gets a couple of nice hours to reload his batteries.

_\- And I am finally free -_

 **May 19th, 2007**

When Jared tried to enter the usual therapy room for his usual forenoon-session someone grabbed his arm roughly. The singer turned around slowly and faced Valentino. The guard was bald, tall and had so much muscle-mass that he looked like a huge bull. Big and black tattoos covered Valentino's arms, where the weirdest one was a portrait of his teenage daughter. The muscular man's face was a lot more soft-looking than his body. Valentino was scared that the absent minded man would fall to the ground again, like he had done yesterday. He watched Jared carefully and noticed just how damaged the man looked. Valentino thought that it looked like Jared had aged a couple of years during his short period of time in Martha's.

"You're going to be in a different room today." Valentino started. He knew the meaning of 'the room' as he had been there plenty of times to do his job. The tough guard shuddered as he thought about the past times he had been in there. The patients' screaming and crying still haunted him at night. "I'll guide you." the guard continued and started walking. Jared followed him as he had no other choice. The singer wondered what room Valentino was talking about. His natural instincts told him that something was wrong and he felt how his breakfast was trying to come back up again. The guard and the rocker walked through long and deserted corridors in which Jared had never walked before. They headed down a stair into the basement. And there, in the end of another corridor with blinking lamps on the walls, was a single door. The sight of the lonely wooden door made Jared uncomfortable.

Valentino put his hand on the cold metal handle of the door and inhaled sharply. "Hello Valentino, and Jared!" A voice from behind said in a cheerful tone. Both the rocker and the guard turned around and Valentino felt relieved when he had an excuse to let go of the door's handle. Behind them stood the nurse. To Jared, who was slightly nervous, she looked like an angel sent from the sky. Her short and slim body had a posture which made her look assertive and ballsy. "I saw that Micha had booked the room for Jared, but I also have some things to sort out with young mister Leto." the nurse said. Valentino nodded and smiled. The nurse was like a savior for him as well. "I'll tell her to book the room this afternoon instead if you take him with you now." Valentino said and went inside the room by himself to tell Micha the news. The guard opened and closed the door so quickly that Jared didn't get a chance to see what was hiding inside it.

The nurse and Jared went up to her office. She gestured for the man to sit down on the bunk while she opened the thick file with Jared's name on it. Her jet black hair shone as the light from the strip lightning in the ceiling hit her. Jared felt how his insides finally calmed down and he felt strangely safe. He let his glance dance over the room and read on the diplomas hanging on one wall. 'Tricia Moore' was written on them with big black letters. The singer memorized the name of his guardian angel. Tricia put the file down and looked directly at Jared with her dull grey eyes. "I've noticed that it looks like you have lost a lot of weight." she started. Jared couldn't help how his stare locked on her lips. Tricia wore a lipstick in a dark plum color and some of it had stuck to her teeth. He also saw that she had a pimple, or possibly a wart, which she had been trying to cover up by using a ton of foundation over the poor imperfection. "So, can you step onto the scale?" she asked kindly.

Jared jumped off the bunk and pliantly stepped onto the white cube. He didn't watch the number himself but figured since the nurse gasped, that it was something special. The singer had surely noticed how his red prisoner's-suit had become bigger and bigger on him for each and every day but he had never put any importance behind it. "This can't be true..." Tricia mumbled and stared at the numbers. As they didn't change she finally had to accept the fact. "I'm very sad to say that you have lost almost twenty-five pound since you got here."

The numbers came like a cold shower over Jared. He knew that he had lost weight but had no idea that it would be that much. Tricia wrote down Jared's new weight in his file with a dissatisfied look on her face. "Everything you've lost is in muscle mass. You are dangerously close to being severely underweight, which worries me." the dark haired nurse said slowly while scratching her forehead with her pencil. "I see that you're a vegetarian too. I can give you some pills to help you to get all of the necessary vitamins and iron. The rest is up to you. My advice to you is to eat more, for your own sake." Jared swallowed harshly. The idea of eating more of the canteen's disgusting and oil-drenched food wasn't exactly a dream come true. Still, he felt like he wanted to make Tricia proud of him. Like he owed her something.

"Please, sit down again." Tricia ordered the singer. Jared obeyed and sunk down on the paper-clad bunk. "You look awful." Tricia stated after looking at Jared's bushy and long hair and unshaved face. She felt bad over the fact that the former actor and rocker was starting to look more like a hobo and a walking skeleton. She wanted to help him.

The nurse opened her cabinets and took out a razor, a pair of scissors and a tin of shaving-lather. "Do you want me to fix you?" she asked. Jared gave her a brief nod and closed his eyes. Tricia started to lather the man's cheeks and put the sharp razor to his skin and started shaving him. Her hand was elongated by the razor, and she stroked his face clean of hair very slowly. Jared opened his eyes for a moment. His blue eyes met her grey ones and he felt warm. Jared felt that the shaving was an act of kindness and care from her side. He closed his eyes once again and tried hard to hold his smile back. After a while Tricia put the razor down and grabbed a towel to wipe away some left-over traces of lather off of Jared's face. She then wrapped the towel around his neck, to prevent annoying hair to fall inside his suit, and started trimming his hair with the scissors. The rocker shivered as he heard the sounds of the metal scissors just next to his right ear.

Tricia was grinning as she held up a mirror in front of Jared's face. "It turned out great, didn't it?" she asked and was proud of her achievements. Jared watched himself, with a smooth face and much shorter hair. Tricia had cut it a couple of inches and Jared was very pleased with the result. He looked at her with a face which radiated ' thank you', and to his delight she seemed to get it. It was about lunchtime when Tricia looked at her watch and shrieked.

"I've had you here for over an hour! Now get out of here! Eat until you're about to burst and show the guards how good you look with that new hair!" she rambled and giggled. Jared exited her office and steered his steps towards the canteen. He noticed how being around Tricia had killed his worries for a while and injected him with a dose of exuberance.

The singer felt how his bladder was about to burst. Bladder overload. The singer sneaked into a bathroom on his way to the canteen and entered a booth. He opened the zipper of his suit and sat down on the chilly toilet's seat and released the pressure. With a happy sigh he leaned his head back towards a wall and slipped into a flashback.

 **September 4th, 1998**   
_  
Jared laid on his back. Sweaty, satisfied and happy. He had stains all over his clothes and his face. He wiped the damp hair and runnels of salty sweat off of his forehead. Then, he opened his mouth and laughed heartily. The sound echoed against the empty walls. "I didn't know it was humanly possible for a man to be so happy over a finished painting..." Shannon said and shook his head. Jared shook his head as well. The laughter kept rolling off his tongue like pearls of tinkling joy. His fit body twisted and turned as he laid in his own mess._

 _"You are officially mad." Shannon stated and walked out of the room. Jared covered his eyes with his color-stained arm and breathed loudly. "What a fucking good painting." the singer whispered breathlessly._  
*

Jared snapped back to reality and realized that he was still sitting on the toilet. He rapidly stood up and zipped the suit back on. To his surprise, the food in the canteen was eatable. Jared ate plate after plate of the vegetable stew with wooked rice. For the first time during his time in Martha's, he felt full. When Jared walked towards the exit of the canteen he saw Valentino's face waiting for him. The guard looked nervous and low-spirited. The bad feelings started to spring up inside Jared again. He clenched his jaw and walked towards the muscular guard.

"Hey... It's time to head back down to the room. Micha's waiting for us." Valentino said in a tiny voice. He didn't sound big or tough at all. Jared exhaled through his nose and took his first brave steps towards the basement together with Valentino. The singer knew that his afternoon wouldn't be nearly as pleasant as the time he had shared with Tricia. He then realized that to the higher powers, a new haircut or a smooth face wouldn't mean a damn thing.  
As they walked, Jared caught a glimpse of the world outside the windows. The green grass, the trees and the birds. He closed his eyes and shuddered.


	12. Punchline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Jared and the guard Valentino recollects the memories of what happened in 'the room'.

_\- It took a moment before I lost myself in here -_

 **May 20th, 2007**

Jared laid in silence. The bed didn't even creak as he breathed. The singer's muscles ached and he was exhausted. He didn't know what time it was, neither did he have the motivation to find a clock and look for himself. It was passed midnight though, but the singer could not fall asleep. He remembered the afternoon in small fragments.   
The memories were abstract and foggy. As the pieces of what had happened earlier gurgled over Jared like foaming waves, he bit his lip so hard that the skin gave in. A faint taste of iron reached his taste buds when the blood hit his tongue.  
Jared could hear Valentino trying to muffle his sobs through the wall. The singer closed his eyes and breathed loudly. In and out. In and out. In and out.  
 _  
The first memory which popped up in Jared's mind was when the door finally swung open to reveal what was inside the notorious room. He had first seen Micha's smirking face and then a bunk with straps attached to it. That was when the worry had hit him like a punch to the gut. He stopped dead in his tracks and had no intentions of entering the room.  
"Bring him in." Micha had purred and Jared felt Valentino's enormous hands on his back which pushed him inside the room. It looked like a torture-chamber from a horror movie with its dirty floor and the cold walls of stone. There was also a lack of windows and proper lights. Only one sad strip light hung from the ceiling and drowned the place in a dim light.  
"Lay down, please." Micha had said sternly and gestured towards the bunk. Jared felt himself shake his head violently. His feet took a searching step backwards towards the exit. Unfortunately, Jared backed right into Valentino's arms. The big guard picked the much smaller man up and put him down on the bunk._

 _Jared's forehead was starting to glisten and the sweat poured down his face. He had Valentino's full bodyweight over him just so he wouldn't try to escape.  
"Feel like talking yet, dear?" Micha scoffed and walked towards the bunk to look down upon her stubborn patient. Micha had her grey hair in her usual tight bun and her glasses had fallen down on the tip of her nose in her excitement. Jared clenched his jaw together to mock her and smirked briefly. The psychiatrist started boiling inside which was also quite clear on the outside by the sight of her reddening face.  
"Fine, as you wish." she huffed and put her hands on her swelling hips. The dull skirt she was wearing was a bit too tight for her body.  
"Valentino, tie him down."_

 _The guard with the kind face and shaved head pinned Jared's right leg down. Even if Jared was kicking for everything he was worth, Valentino took care of his leg without any signs of effort. He fastened the strap around the singer's bony ankle and then did the same thing to his left leg. Micha watched the scene with a grin that spread from ear to ear.  
When Valentino continued to pin Jared's arms down to the bunk the singer felt great pains shooting through his body. "Sorry man." Valentino whispered under his breath as an apology. Jared couldn't move anywhere. He could try to twist and turn but it only lead to more pain. The tight straps cut off the blood-flow to his feet and hands._

 _Micha rolled a machine towards the bunk and smiled viciously. Jared swallowed loudly and his big Adam's apple looked pulsating.  
"You have one last chance to speak before my little friends here decides to play with you." she said slowly and showed him two electrodes connected to the machine. It was an ETC-machine. A device to send electricity through the patient's brain to cause epileptic seizures. Mostly used to cure patients with deep depressions. Jared had seen machines like that in movies and on tv and knew quite a bit about the procedure. One thing he knew was that the patients were anesthetized and had had muscle-relaxing medicine before going into the seizures.  
Jared squeezed his eyes shut as Micha placed the electrodes on his temples._

Jared's eyes shot open. He was drenched in sweat and his chest rose and fell rapidly. That was the last thing he remembered before the machine was turned on. What happened in between that and the next fragment of memory was pitch black. A black hole in the singer's already strained mind.  
With a lot of effort, Jared watched his wrist. It was dark purple, blue and green at the same time. The bruises had been a result of the tight straps which had pinned him down to the bunk. Vulnerable and helpless. The former rockstar inhaled sharply through his nose. It caused him suffering as it stung.  
Valentino wasn't crying outside the cell anymore, from what Jared could hear.

The guard sat down in the corridor with his face buried in his hands. The moon scattered blue light over the floors and revealed that the guard's hands were blood-stained. Even though his salty tears had washed away the majority of the red substance. One enormous body all alone.  
 _  
Jared was shaking without any control of himself. His brain flashed and was a mess. Every single one of his muscles were stiff as rocks. "He's having a seizure! Turn the damn machine off!" Valentino screamed to the older lady who only increased the amounts of volt going through the singer's brain.  
"Not yet." she answered coolly. Jared's body twitched and shook like a blender. His head bobbed up and down and slammed into the bunk forcefully time after time. Valentino felt that the thing had gone way too far. "Just turn the fucking machine off! Now!" he screeched with his dark voice. Micha jumped.  
"Okay. I think the bastard has had enough." she said with a smile on her face and slowly turned back every wheel she had touched. The electricity stopped flowing through Jared and he laid completely still where he was. He was barely conscious and couldn't see anything. All he knew was that everything hurt._

 _"Do you want to talk now?" Micha asked the pumped out and defenceless man sweetly. Her smile only grew bigger as the former rockstar didn't answer her. She let one of her wrinkled fingers run along Jared's jawline. It got moist from the sweat which laid in beads on his face.  
"Valentino. I think we have to persuade him into opening his mouth." she continued. The guard winced and begged that it would all be over. "How?" he asked quietly. _

_Jared could at first hear their voices, like a distant murmur. It sounded like he was lying under water and they tried to contact him through the surface. Then other voices penetrated his ears. The sound of Shannon talking about girls. The sound of Tomo talking about music. The sound of Yolanda's laugh. Two barking dogs.  
Suddenly, he was out like a light. Not aware of what was going on._

 __  
Jared couldn't remember anything else. The next thing he remembered was how he woke up and found himself in Valentino's arms. The guard was carrying him into his cell and put him down carefully on top of the bed.  
The bald man then went into the bathroom for a brief moment and came back out with a wet cloth. He dabbed it underneath Jared's nose and down to his chin. "I'm so sorry." the guard repeated quietly. Jared didn't know what he was apologizing for and didn't care either.

Valentino felt awful and dirty as he sat down in the corridor. He had acted like a monster and his guilt felt like a choking blanket. What he had done to Jared was against everything he had ever believed in.  
The guard shivered as he thought about his daughter. How he would feel if someone had treated her like he had treated Jared today. He would have killed them.  
 _  
"Knock some sense into him." Micha said and pointed at the unconscious Jared. Valentino laughed nervously and shook his head. "That's wrong. He's not even awake."  
"I don't care. Just do it." she continued and sounded very annoyed. Valentino felt cold inside. He couldn't just punch someone who was lying down - and also unconcious. "I'm not getting paid to hurt innocent people. My job is to protect. Not attack." the enormous man yapped and crossed his muscular arms over his chest. Micha fired off an evil grin. "I have contacts. I can get you fired in no time. If I say that you refused to do your job, who will they believe? Me or you?" she stated in victory._

 _Valentino stepped towards the bunk and laid one of his hand on Jared's shoulder. The singer's breathing accelerated for a brief moment. The guard swallowed his tears and opened and closed his other hand slowly. "Hurry up." Micha commanded.  
He lifted his hand and cursed as he then let it collide with Jared's nose. Which cracked. Blood splashed and stained Valentino's hands and arms. "I'm so sorry." he murmured again before he landed another punch on the same spot as before.   
_


	13. Hopeless Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madison returns to Martha's to try to get the Leto-case back. It doesn't go that well but ends with another opportunity popping up.

_\- A silent song that's in your words -_

 **May 22th, 2007**

Madison swept her coat closer to her body as she stomped towards the plated and supervised outside of Martha's. She got closer to the the gate and was met by a smile from the concierge. He was a matronly man with bare spots on his head where his hair had started to fail him. "Welcome back Madison! Where have you been this past week?" he asked from his booth with a large window of plexi-glass. She smiled briefly and looked down upon the ground where the gravel had many different shades of grey and brown. "I've been sick. The flu." she lied. The concierge nodded and pushed the button which opened the gate. It slid open without a sound and Madison started to march towards the huge and pale pink building. "I have a runny nose. Maybe I'm also getting sick. What do you think?" the man asked before he realized that he was literally talking to the air. He turned his head to see a part of Madison's boot as she walked away. The tubby man shook his head and closed the gate again.

Madison stroked her hair in front of her face as she entered Martha's with her staff PIN-code. She held a low profile as her legs were headed towards Garth's, the boss', office. There were no signs of her being a part of the staff. She wore a plain black shirt, skinny blue jeans, black boots of smooth leather and a classic trenchcoat. The hair on her head was a dark mess and her face was blank. On Madison's way through the corridors she passed some of her colleagues. They didn't recognize the psychiatrist as her hair was blocking her face and just kept on going in their everyday hurry. Madison was just pleased that she hadn't had the misfortune of colliding with Micha.  
Suddenly she saw something that caught her eye. It was the bald and absurdly tall guard Valentino who was guarding the corridor where Jared slept. He moved like a gorilla because of his swelling muscles. Madison noticed that they would pass each other in a matter of seconds, she also saw that they were all alone. She exhaled loudly and got ready to make a move which could possibly end in disaster.

The guard was just on his way to the canteen when he saw the shady girl with hair covering her face. Unsuspecting, he just continued walking. Valentino thought that she was probably a visitor who had got lost.

Madison jumped him when he got close enough. Normally, she wouldn't have a chance to even move the enormous guy an inch but the moment of surprise was in her favor. Madison had him with his back to the wall. Her hair had fallen away from her face to reveal her piercing hazel eyes. "Madison." Valentino breathed as his eyes got big as saucers. "Yeah. It's me. Can we go somewhere and talk?" the psychiatrist whispered barely audible. The guard walked a few steps to the side and opened a door which led to an old stairwell. The two humans got inside of it quickly and closed the door. The corridor was now completely empty.

Valentino sat down on the stair's landing and watched Madison pace the small space. "Where have you been?" the guard asked. She shrugged and sighed before she too sat down on the landing. "Here and there. I needed a break." she answered truthfully.  
"How's Jared?" she then asked after a moment of silence. The coolness of the useless stair got through her jeans and gave her chills. Valentino looked at the ceiling and then back at Madison. "Not good at all." he stated. Madison jerked and her mouth hung slightly open. "What do you mean? Tell me everything!" she hissed with pain soaking her voice. Valentino huffed out a puff of air and started telling Madison about how Micha had been torturing him for three whole days.

"I can't believe it. I'm a monster." Madison said slowly after hearing Valentino's story. "You? A monster? I'm the monster here. It was me who landed those punches." Valentino interrupted before she had time to finish what she was trying to say. The psychatrist shook her head violently. It made her auburn hair look more like a total mess. "I gave up on him. If I would have stayed with him, he wouldn't be in this trouble."

 

"You have to get back on his case, Madison. The poor guy can only take that much. He is in a bad condition." the guard admitted and got up to his feet and went for the door. "I will do everything in my power to get him back." she replied and got up too. They exited the stairwell and went different directions. Valentino towards the canteen and Madison towards Garth's office.

When the jeans-clad female reached the door unseen, she gave it a light knock. "Come in!" Garth called. Madison opened the door. The man with thick rimmed glasses and thinning hair was staring down at his desk and his never-ending pile of paperwork. She coughed and his head snapped up. "Ivory!" he grinned and looked quite surprised as well. "I was wondering when you would come back."

Madison didn't even smile. She took a seat in front of the desk and crossed her legs. "Garth... I need the Leto-case back." Madison said coolly and stroked a strand of her messy hair behind her ear. The man smiled sadly and took his glasses off and polished them thoroughly with the sleeve of his shirt. "Micha is on the case now." he said shortly and put the clean glasses back on. Madison snorted and slammed her fist down at the desk. "That's insane! She doesn't even treat him like a human!" she growled loudly. Garth nodded slowly.  
"I know she isn't. Are you free tonight?" he then asked. Madison was flummoxed by that question. "Yes, sure I am. But what does that matter?" she asked curiosly.

The boss licked his dry lips and grinned cheapishly. "I have an idea, Ivory."


	14. Nightly Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madison and Jared meets again. Jared does something he hasn't done for months

_\- Here we are searching for a sign -_

 **May 22th, 2007**

The singer laid flat out in his highly uncomfortable bed. He was pale like a corpse and his skin had got a slightly green tone to it. His right leg hung outside the bed's side and dangled above the floor. The mangy blanket was lying in a mess on the dirty floor.  
It was late afternoon and Jared was all done for the day. No more pain and no more torture, at least for a couple of hours. The sun was on its way down and painted the sky orange and red. Jared had been dreaming a lot lately. Dreams of being a tiny little bird. An uncomplicated creature with the power of taking off towards freedom anytime. Next stop: freedom and relief, only a couple flaps away.

He also dreamed about singing with his band one last time.  
30 Seconds To Mars' final gig. Hundreds of screaming fans. Shannon's sweaty forehead and flexing muscles as he bangs the drums. Tomo and Matt rocking their instruments with an undying amount of passion. And then the microphone. The voice, the beat and the monster.

Jared's stomach was growling. The torn man hadn't eaten anything in two miserable days. Valentino had tried to get Jared to put food in his mouth but hadn't succeeded. Jared was running out of energy.  
Jared hadn't taken a shower in what seemed like weeks either. He had dried blood in his face and smelled awful. The whole room had started to get a hint of his odor.  
The singer's eyes were closed and he focused on a piece of lyric which he repeated in his head.

The door to his room, or cell, was being opened slowly. Jared automatically assumed that it was Valentino who was checking on him. The tingling smell of food then reached Jared's nostrils. It was a mighty pleasant smell. His stomach growled again and he could almost feel the acids turning inside of him.  
Jared listened carefully when the steps from the newly opened door came closer to him. The steps were not as stomping and heavy as Valentino's steps. It was hard to pick out the sounds from the silence.  
The person stopped beside the bed which Jared laid in. He could feel something pressing against the leg he had hanging outside the bed. The person breathed loudly.

Then the door creaked again. It was someone closing it. Jared's senses were on edge. "I'll tell you when it's safe to get out." Valentino said from the door before he shut it. If Valentino wasn't the one standing next to him, then who was it? Jared figured that it couldn't be Micha. She wouldn't just stand peacefully next to the bed. She would scream insults and force him to stand up.  
Jared's muscles tensed, expecting the worst, and then he opened his eyes to look at the person who had brought food.

At first Jared couldn't believe his eyes. He blinked a couple of times, every time expecting her to be gone when his eyes fluttered open. To his delight, she stayed intact. It was confirmed. Madison was finally back.  
All sorts of happy feelings rushed through Jared Leto. Relief, excitement, trust and plain joy. The first smile in days escaped his lips. Madison answered it briefly before looking at him with worry. She scowled and her grey eyes were sad. "Oh Jared..." she whispered and crouched down to pick Jared's right leg up. She placed it neatly next to his left leg on the hard and filthy mattress. Her touch sent chills along the singer's spine. "What have they done to you?"

Madison helped Jared into a sitting position and put the food on his lap. It was a bowl with smoking hot soup in it. "Please eat." she said and stared into Jared's thankful blue eyes. He grabbed the spoon and brought it to his mouth. He put the spoon against his lips and removed it again. The contents were too hot to just put into a mouth. It would burn him. Madison watched him and shook her head. "Give me it." she huffed and yanked the spoon out of Jared's hand. The psychiatrist blew cold air on the spoon until the soup on it was cold enough to eat. She put the spoon towards the man's lips. He reluctantly let her spoon feed him the whole bowl of soup. To show his disapproval, he furrowed his eyebrows. "Don't give me that look. Let me take care of you." Madison hushed and smiled. The soup tasted like wild mushrooms and parsley. It was a good meal and Jared's stomach wasn't growling anymore.

Madison put the empty bowl on the floor and sighed before she turned to face Jared. "I'm so sorry that I let you down. I shouldn't have left." she apologized and stroked the hair out of her face. Jared shot Madison a glance that she took as a ' It's okay now that you're here again.'  
She bit her lip. "Jared, I have to tell you what's going on. Micha is still the one on your case."  
Jared looked horrified. He felt like throwing the soup right back up again. It wasn't the news that he was hoping for at all. "Don't worry. I'm working on it. Just give me some time." Madison said quickly when she watched his reaction. To soothe him, she put her hands on his cheeks. The warmth coming from Madison, both mental and physical, was relaxing. Jared sighed in delight. Madison pierced her hazel eyes into Jared's blue ones. "Don't worry." she said again to let the message complete sink in.

There was a knock on the door and Madison's head turned towards the sounds. "The corridor is empty! Madison, you need to get out now." Valentino howled. The psychiatrist picked up the bowl and spoon and stood up. Madison bent down and placed a soft kiss on Jared's temple as a goodbye before she started walking towards the door. "I'll be back." she said to the patient and put her hand on the door handle. Jared put his hand up in the air. He opened his mouth and closed it back up again.  
That moment he decided to do something unthinkable.

"Hurry." Jared said. It came out like a raspy whisper and sounded like his throat was made of sand paper. Then he sunk down from his sitting position until he was lying down again.

Madison panted. She thought it was a hallucination. He couldn't possibly have spoken. She backed out of the room and closed the door. Her body was shaking like mad. "How did it go?" Valentino asked when he escorted Madison out of the building. "Good." Madison panted. She didn't dare to tell anyone about the word. She was afraid that it hadn't been true. The more she thought about it the moment got clearer. Until the moment in her car when she realized the truth. "Fuck Jared. You actually said something." she breathed and raced back to her apartment.

Jared had hit another flashback as soon as he laid down again.

 **December 8th, 2006**   
_  
The moment Jared got back to his house he ran towards Yolanda and kissed her passionately. "Ah, I've missed you so much." he murmured and buried his head into her golden hair. She smelled like honey and home. The band had just gotten home from their long tour in both Europe and Asia. "Hope you haven't had too much fun with your fangirls." Yolanda replied bitterly. Jared jerked back and stared at his girlfriend. She was beautiful and clearly angry. Her full lips curved downwards and her eyebrows were furrowed. "What? Are you insane?" Jared started. The singer had no idea of what she was talking about as he hadn't done anything to a fan on the tour, not even flirted. His arms dropped to his sides and his mouth hung open. "You are the only girl for me."_

 _Yolanda shook her head. The golden locks of hair danced on her shoulders and her back. "Prove it Jared." she said quietly and looked down at her feet. The singer tilted her chin up with his fingers and caressed her jaw with his thumb. He looked at her in her eyes. "I'll do anything for you. I love you. I fucking want to marry you." Jared rambled and pressed his lips to hers desperately. "See?" he asked and grabbed her hand and pointed towards her engagement ring. It had three big diamonds on it and hugged her ring finger tightly. "Prove it." Yolanda repeated with more confidence._

 _Jared sighed and rolled his eyes. Sometimes he just couldn't get women and their way of thinking. "I will. On the US tour that starts tomorrow." the singer said. "If I even want to follow you." Yolanda huffed. Jared groaned. "Please?" he pleaded. Yolanda looked reluctant as she pulled her boyfriend into her arms and gave him a brief hug. "Fine. Don't fuck up." she said softly and dug her nails into Jared's back as a small punishment.  
_


	15. What Happens In Vegas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garth decides that Micha can't go on abusing the torture chamber and the old psychiatrist isn't happy about that.  
> Jared discovers in a flashback that what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay there.

_\- Does it seem like it's only just begun? -_

 **May 24th, 2007**

"Just say something!" Micha bellowed and tried to stop her hands from shaking. The woman's eyes were about to pop out of their sockets. Micha was stressed as she had a pair of calm eyes resting on her back and watching her every move. "I'm not sure the patient is even listening." the person who watched Micha said and gestured towards the bunk in the middle of the room even if noone could see his movement.  
Strapped to the bunk laid Jared inside the ocean of red fabric that was his suit. His body was thinning more for each and every day. The contours of his ribs and sharp hipbones could be seen even when he wore the suit. Now the singer just laid in silence with his eyes closed and listened carefully to the conversation. He didn't know who the person talking to Micha was but he could hear that he had more power than her. The singer enjoyed how stressed and anxious Micha got when he was around.

Micha turned to face the person who was watching her like a hawk. "I can wake him up Garth. It'll only take a few hits or a shock or two..." Micha cackled suppliant. Garth shook his head and adjusted his glasses which had fallen onto the tip of his nose. Garth had decided to pay Micha a visit in the room to see how the sessions actually went. He was really just looking for excuses to ban the psychiatrist from abusing the torture chamber. Seeing how keen Madison was on getting the case back, he had wanted to at least try to help her. Even if Garth hadn't admitted it to anyone he had a soft spot for the kind-hearted young female.

"And how has that helped you so far?" Garth interrupted her dryly. Micha's gaze shifted from Garth's stone cold face and a spot on the ground. In her head she was working out a smart answer. "Jared is just messing with all of us. I'm sure that he will crack some day." she spat.  
Garth shot Valentino a quick glance. His eyes found the huge guard quickly as he sat in the corner and smiled widely. Valentino had chills going through his massive body and the hair on his arm stood up. The guard thought to himself how it seemed like Jared's pain was somehow ending today.  
Garth pursed his lips. "Some day? With this treatment the patient will die before that day even comes." the authorized man stated.

Jared had to bite his own lip not to smile. It was all sweet music to his ears. His mind then wandered off to Madison. Had she heard him speak? When was she coming back? Jared exhaled and his heart started beating faster.

"He won't die if his selfishness doesn't choke him. There's nothing wrong with that man!" Micha snarled. Sweat had started to pour out of her pores. Garth scoffed loudly. "Are we talking about the same man? Haven't you seen him?"  
Garth walked up to the bunk where Jared laid with his eyes peacefully closed. The boss' lips got dry just by looking at the former rock star. "He is sunken-eyed, wretched and gaunt." he said loudly. The sounds echoed from wall to wall.  
"I can't let this go on." Garth said slowly. Micha's jaw dropped and she swallowed a scream of terror. The hate towards Jared bubbled up inside of her. He was the one guilty of making her look bad in front of her boss.

"What do you mean?" she asked. Her voice was drenched in disgust and fear. Garth sighed and laid a hand on Jared's bony shoulder. "I want to have the key to the room back. If the patient is dead, he can't tell us the truth." Garth said. "But..." Micha started. "It was an order!" Garth roared and his face was scrunched up in an awful grimace.  
The psychiatrist cursed under her breath and threw the key onto the ground. It landed with a soft chinking sound. She then stormed off. She was in rage and even more determined to make Jared talk.

Micha's dramatic exit was followed by total silence in the room. Garth rubbed his temples and clenched his jaw. He hadn't expected himself to go that far but a feeling of pride pierced his heart. Valentino rose from his seat in the corner of the room and cleared his throat loudly. "What should I do with Jared, boss?" he asked. "Take him to his room and get him some food. The man is just skin and bones."

Valentino started releasing Jared from the tight straps and then picked the limp body up. Jared was afraid that his banging heart would reveal that he was conscious. The singer took a few deeper breaths to calm his racing muscle down. Valentino started walking slowly towards the door while he held the man tightly in his arms. Jared was light as a feather for the muscle-man to carry. "And you should let the nurse check him." Garth shouted as they were on the other side of the door. The lighter and happier side.

Jared thought it felt soothing as he rocked in Valentino's arms. He could feel the guard's steady breathing and his pulsating heart. It was a lucky day.  
Jared drifted off into a fog of memories and didn't even feel as he was being put down on his bed.

 **December 19th, 2006**   
_  
Jared rolled out of the warmness of the hotel bed where Yolanda was still sleeping. He stroked a lock of her blond hair away and tucked it behind her ear. She winced slightly and furrowed her eyebrows before sighing and falling back to sleep. Jared kissed her cheek sweetly and adjusted the covers for her. Yesterday night, the band had played a huge concert in Las Vegas and they were now resting at a hotel.  
Jared and Yolanda had gotten a room for themselves while Matt, Shannon and Tomo all shared the room right next to them._

 _Jared shivered as a puff of cold air hit his half naked body. He quickly put a pair of black pants and a plain white t-shirt on. The singer didn't care about finding socks or shoes.  
The sun shone into the room and he had to put his hand over his eyes to see clearly. Jared hurried to roll the blinds down and scanned the room. It all seemed fine and safe. He saw his suitcase open on the floor and smiled. It had been a hurry for him to search it through after condoms yesterday when things had gotten heated between him and Yolanda. When Jared thought about it it seemed like Yolanda had been a lot happier that last night._

 _Jared found a note pad and tore a page of it out and scribbled down a couple of words on it. 'I'm with the guys. Come when you wake up.'  
He put the note down on his pillow right next to his sleeping girlfriend and tip-toed out of the room. The corridor was empty as Jared took the couple of steps which was necessary to reach Shannon's room. The singer banged their door. Tomo opened the door clad in only a red bath robe with the hotel's logo on the chest. His eyes were almost sticking together and he yawned when he saw Jared standing there. Jared pushed past the very sleepy Tomo and entered the guys' room. The first thing he saw was Matt who sat with his eyes glued to a newspaper which he read thoroughly. The next thing was Shannon who was sitting on a sofa and playing PlayStation in his tight black undies._

 _"God, put some clothes on!" Jared scowled and pretended that he was going blind. Shannon paused the game and smirked. "Why? Don't you like this?" he mocked and dry humped the air. "My eyes are bleeding!" Jared said and chuckled. He sat down next to his brother on the sofa and exhaled. Tomo was pacing the room with a whole jug of black coffee which he sipped on. "Where's that little girl of yours?" Tomo asked and coughed. "She is still sleeping." Jared stated softly. Shannon grinned widely. "I bet she is after that pounding you gave her last night. We heard you through the walls! 'Oh Jared. Oh! Oh!'" Shannon flapped and mimicked the sound of Yolanda's orgasm. Jared felt his cheeks getting bright red and he threw a pillow towards his brother. "Shut up!" he whined._

 _"Stop arguing and look at this article!" Matt suddenly said and Jared heard something worrying in his voice. The men stopped what they were doing and Jared got up and grabbed the newspaper. He felt cold as he read the headline. "17-year old female murdered on her way home from a concert." Jared read out loud. Shannon's eyes widened with shock. "Our concert?" Shannon asked quietly. "It says Las Vegas here. So, yes." Matt said._

 _Jared felt like he couldn't breathe. He knew very well that she had been on her way home from their concert. He knew it because he had talked to her. She had just been a normal fan. Jared couldn't remember her name but he recognized the bright pink highlights in her black hair and her lively brown eyes. On the picture in the newspaper she looked very much alive and smiled towards the camera. Jared couldn't believe that she was now gone. That someone had decided to steal her life._

 _"I talked to her yesterday." Jared explained with a thick voice. The tension in the air got so thick that it would be possible to cut it with a knife. "  
Did you see anything? Anyone?" Tomo started. Jared tried to remember everything about the conversation with the murdered girl. "I can't remember... Shit!" Jared mumbled and buried his face into his hands._

 

Jared flashed back to reality by a pair of fingers who caressed his forehead. He opened his eyes to see Madison crouched down beside the bed.  
"Hey. You were sleeping so I waited for you." she whispered and bent over him. Her lips came closer and closer to his. Jared could feel her breathing on his mouth. Then she turned into a cloud of smoke.  
It had only been a dream.


	16. Her Last Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared doesn't waste his words as he starts talking again. The flashback leads him back to a show in Atlanta where something awful happened.

_\- through the blood he can look, see the life that he took -_

 **May 27th, 2007**

Valentino led Madison to the cell and grinned. He placed his gigantic scarred hands on the smaller woman's shoulders. "The battle is almost won." he revealed and his grin grew even wider. "Are you serious?" she asked hopefully. The psychiatrist thought it was interesting that Valentino used the term 'battle'. It suited the situation but wasn't the word that she would say out loud. Jared's life shouldn't be called a battle. It made it seem like they were all just playing a game. If someone's playing it's Jared, she thought.  
Madison was excited with the fact that she would soon see Jared again. She felt a bit guilty for not visiting him again sooner but it wasn't the easiest thing to do. It could actually be compared to a circus. Garth had planned the operation very carefully to make sure that no guards, except for Valentino, would be around to patrol the hallways. He had given Madison an hour with Jared.

Madison's mind couldn't focus on anything but Jared. If he would speak again. If he would be happy to see her.  
Madison was both terrified and gleeful but the nervousness began to take over as she got closer to the cell. She shivered as she watched the thick door of metal which was the only obstacle between him and herself. The door was like a partially transparent curtain and Madison could almost see Jared through the thin fabric. So close but still so far away.  
"Yes! Garth forbid Micha from using the room." Valentino explained cheerfully. Madison smiled widely as it was truly good news. No more torture would mean that Jared could gain some weight and get rid of the bruises covering his gaunt body.

Valentino suddenly opened the door and pointed towards the human heap hiding underneath the ragged covers on the bed. Madison took a trembling step inside of the room and inhaled the stale air. She turned to Valentino and smiled apologizing. He smiled back and looked at the woman. She was hardly half of his size but had a pair of tough balls. Valentino watched her deep hazel eyes and lively auburn hair before he shut the door to give the female and the patient some privacy.  
Valentino thought of how he had started to like Jared. Not because he believed the man was innocent or a particularly good person but because the commotion around Jared made him feel important. Like he was playing a role in a movie greater than life.

Jared moved underneath the covers as he heard the door clicking shut. He stuck his head out from its hiding place and smiled when he saw Madison standing there. She was wearing a pair of blue jeans, a plain white t-shirt and a knitted cardigan.  
At first Jared wondered if it was just another dream but realized that she would probably wear less clothing if it was a dream of his.  
Then the man stiffened. What if she expected him to speak? Was he ready for it? If so, what was he going to tell her?

Madison sat down next to the thin man on his bed. She put a hand on his cheek and tucked a lock of hair behind his ear. "Hello." she whispered. Jared removed the covers and smiled sadly. It was now or never. To speak or be quiet for an eternity.  
He decided that he trusted Madison. Actually, he trusted her more than he trusted himself. "Hey." he mouthed back almost without a sound.

Madison's eyes widened as she heard his voice. It was huskier than in the interviews from the past which Madison had listened to. She had dreamt about that moment every night and had said various smart things in every dream. But now she couldn't seem to find the words or courage to say anything at all. The room was silent.

"Madison..." Jared said slowly and tasted how it felt like to say the name. He had wanted to try pronouncing it for a long time and was pleased with how it sounded. Chills went through Madison's body and she nodded. "Yes?" she asked shakily. Jared's mouth hung open and he inhaled loudly. His mouth failed to serve him properly.  
"It's good to have you here." he stated. It felt nice to say a complete sentence again.  
Jared had decided that he didn't want to reveal anything that day. He needed some time to really think about what was okay to say and what wasn't. If Madison was worthy of knowing what was going on inside of him. About the times when his body shut down and he suddenly remembered fragments of his past. Like an audience watching a movie, unable to change what's happening in front of them.  
The singer shivered as he thought of how close the memories were to that night. The night of Yolanda's death.

Madison did at one level understand Jared for not jumping right into any heavier subjects. She watched his ribcage rise and fall through the red fabric of his suit as he breathed. Jared looked slightly healthier. Madison figured it was because Micha was banned from using the room. The psychiatrist met the former rock star's gaze. His azure eyes looked at hers questioningly.  
"You look much better." Madison blurted out. She mentally slapped herself for saying that as it sounded much cooler in her head. Before she said it.  
Jared's lips twitched and he smiled briefly. "I'll take that as a compliment." the man said. Talking to Madison felt like a relief and at the same time a curse. It could go either way. Good or bad.

"Do you want me to tell you a story?" Madison asked the bony and mentally exhausted man who was lying splayed out on his bed. He nodded and closed his eyes. Ready to just absorb the words like a comforting blanket. She took a breath and started thinking about a suiting story.  
"Well, once upon a time there was a girl. She was the typical Plain Jane and didn't stand out in any way. As many other girls she swallowed and hid her emotions. One day she got tired of being just one mildly attractive and uninteresting face among the masses." Madison started and gestured wildly with her hands in the air. Jared couldn't see her movements but smiled as the wind whiffed against his face. "What did she do?" he asked quietly.  
"She started studying like a maniac to be the best psychiatrist in the world. What she didn't realize was that it wouldn't change a thing. She was still a mess." Madison said. Jared slowly opened his eyes and looked at her. "What happened to her?" he asked curiously.

Madison sighed and rolled her eyes. "She is still hiding her emotions and is actually sitting in this room right now." Jared shook his head. "That's not possible."  
"Why?" she asked. "Because you aren't just mildly attractive." he answered with a wink. Madison sighed again and looked away. She didn't want him to see her cheeks getting red.  
Then they heard a knock on the door. The signal for Madison to leave. She reluctantly got up to her feet. "I have to go." she said quickly. Jared nodded.  
"I'll be back soon. Real soon." Madison promised the singer before she stepped out of the room and closed the door.

Valentino grabbed her arm roughly. His eyes radiated curiosity. "What happened?" he asked and bit his lip. Madison shifted her weight on her feet. "Nothing really. But he looks healthier." she said. What a lie to tell Valentino that nothing had happened. Madison wanted to scream and tell the world that Jared fucking Leto had had a conversation with her. She had succeeded.  
"Don't seem like so much fun to just sit around a person who refuses to talk." Valentino said mostly to himself. Madison smiled. "You're right." she said. Then they walked out of the building.

Jared's eyes looked at the same spot where he had seen Madison before she exited the room. He was hoping that she would come back in through the door again. Tell him another story. Just be there.

 **January 2th, 2007**   
_  
"Thank you Atlanta! You've been amazing!" Jared screamed into the microphone and threw a couple of water bottles and towels into the ecstatic crowd. The sweat flooding from his pores made him soaking wet. His heart was beating hard and fast like a hammer on crack. The band went backstage and quickly dried themselves up with cloths and towels. "Hey, has anyone seen Yolanda?" Jared asked loudly. Shannon re-applied some eyeliner and didn't have the brain capacity to do so and at the same time answer a question. Instead Matt was the one to answer Jared. "No man. I have no idea where she is." he said coolly. Jared got a bit worried but the pumping adrenaline from the show made him push it aside._

 _Jared grabbed a jacket from a rack and went outside to meet with the fans. In the hallway he found a lost-looking girl with a VIP-necklace hanging from her neck. "Hey! What's up?" he shouted. She jumped and stared at him, her eyes looked like they were about to pop out of their sockets. "I can't believe this." she stuttered and watched the man who had a solid place in her dreams. Jared felt somewhat like a god. He looked at her from top to toe. She was pretty with chin-lenght black hair and dark eyes framed by massive amounts of eyeliner. "I have to go outside now darling but it was nice seeing you." Jared said and smiled.  
The girl was literally shaking. She took a few trembling steps towards her big idol and threw her arms awkwardly around him. Jared laughed and returned the hug before going outside to the heaps of screaming fans._

 _The girl stared at his back as he left. "I've met Jared. Jared Leto." she whispered with tears in her eyes. That was also her last words.  
_  
Jared snapped back to reality when the door actually opened. He prayed that it would be Madison coming back. The singer was out of his breath from reliving the memory.  
Instead of Madison, Valentino stood there. "You're going to go to a baking class tomorrow morning. It counts as a theraputic session. I thought you would like it as you don't have to see Micha then." he said. Jared shot him a confused look. Baking class? Him?  
He wasn't too excited with the idea of wearing a pinny and a pair of oven gloves.


	17. Hot Mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is in a baking class together with other patients. He gets paired up with the slow kid Albert from Alabama and is supposed to make cupcakes with him.

_\- Some say the day is on the way -_

 **May 28th, 2007**

Jared had never been as misplaced as he stood with an empty bowl in his hands. He looked at the ingredients on the stainless kitchen worktops and inhaled deeply. How could some flour and milk just magically transform into delicious cupcakes? It was all a mystery to the singer.  
Another unfortunate thing was that he had got paired up with Albert, the slow kid from Alabama, and had to share a kitchen with him. It was approximately thirty patients in the room with the many cooking devices.  
Some of them looked as confused as Jared did, some of them appeared confident and a handful just looked plain insane. Albert was definitively placed in the later category.  
He had already tied the knot to his pinny and bragged loudly about it.

Jared couldn't figure out how this baking thing worked even as he had the recipe right in front of his eyes. It just didn't click.  
He put his pinny on slowly and tied it to his waist carefully. An instructor eyed Jared from top to toe and stated to himself that those two boys in the kitchen in the right corner would probably need massive amounts of help. Or the kitchen would burst into flames.  
Albert turned up the heat on every single stove plate to maximum. Then he laughed to himself. "It's gettin' hot in here. See?" he screeched like a parrot.

The other patients had started to grow tired of the squealing and hyperactive southern boy. "Shut it punk!" one of them yelled. Albert didn't register that the screaming was aimed towards him. He kept jumping around like a bunny on crack until a nurse came and forced him to swallow a pill. A tranquiliser, Jared thought.  
He had swallowed quite a few of those pills back in the days. Albert soon calmed down and they could begin their attempt of baking cupcakes.

Jared found himself being slightly jealous of Albert. He wished that he could have Albert's childish excitement and naivety. But then Albert had to have done something terrible to be placed in such a place as Martha's.  
Jared couldn't believe how someone who looked so innocent could end up in a mental institution. Albert must have fucked up bad, he thought.  
Still he didn't seem to have any memories of it. Maybe he did flashback too. Maybe Albert was just trying to push away his past. Just like Jared did. Or tried to do.  
It was something utterly beautiful and enchanting about that thought of Albert being such a layered and complex individual.

Jared had gotten lost in his own web of thoughts and was brought back to reality by a light tap on his shoulder. It was Albert who was considerably calmer. His eyelids drooped and his lips were slightly parted.  
"Mix the sugar and butter in this bowl." Albert said and poked Jared's side with a big black bowl. It was simple and easy directions. Jared added the butter and scattered the sugar over it. He then started churning the thing quickly and accurately. It wasn't difficult at all and the singer started getting confidence in what he was capable of doing in the kitchen.  
Hums and laughs came from every part of the room. Every single one of the patients seemed to enjoy baking. Even the tough guys, with bad breaths and yellow teeth, allowed themselves to put their guard down and just enjoy the fact that they were collectively creating something.

With everyone running around, the place could be compared to an anthill filled with big ants in red suits.  
"I'm not a sinner." Albert randomly said and poured the dry ingredients into Jared's buttery mix. Sure you aren't, Jared thought. And pigs can fly. Everyone is guilty of one sin or another.

Soon it seemed like the two boys had finished the cupcake mixture. The white smooth paste was resting in the flour-stained bowl and looked pretty as a picture.  
Jared put small cups on a baking sheet for the cupcakes to rise in. Albert was pleased to help placing the mixture into the paper cups. He watched the mixture fall into its resting places and giggled every time some of it missed the cups and fell on the baking sheet.  
Jared watched Albert like a father watching his son. The singer was amused with the way the southern boy acted. How he had the ability to make the simplest things seem hysterically funny.  
Jared thought of how spending time with Albert could make anyone appreciate their life more. Not himself though, as his life was already over.

When Albert was done and the bowl was empty, Jared put the baking sheet into the hot oven. The cupcakes were going to be in the oven for fifteen minutes before they were done and ready to eat.  
The southern boy had jumped up and sat on the kitchen worktop and licked the spoon which he had used to empty the bowl with. He carefully licked every single part of the spoon to make sure that there was no grease left on it. His feet swung in the air and he hummed on a happy tune.  
Jared sighed and smiled. He had done it. He had actually made something in the kitchen. Mainly by himself.

Albert started getting impatient after a couple of minutes. He glanced towards the clock every twenty seconds and whimpered.  
"They should be done now, right?" he wailed when there were five minutes left. Jared bit his lip and shook his head. It could be the longest five minutes in Jared's life.

"You're awfully quiet!" Albert stated loudly and stared at Jared who was wiping the draining board with a dishcloth. The singer pretended like he hadn't heard anything.  
"Almost like a dog..." the southern boy continued to say, mostly to himself. "Wait... Maybe you are a dog?"  
Jared couldn't ignore Albert anymore. He met the younger boy's eyes and shook his head slowly. "Of course you aren't. Silly me. You don't have a tail and floppy ears." Albert said and laughed at his own silliness.

Finally, the cupcakes were all done in the oven and Jared took the baking sheet out and placed it on a worktop. The smell was incredible and the small cupcakes looked perfect with golden tops. Albert squealed like a little girl and hugged Jared from behind.  
Jared tensed as he wasn't used to any body-contact, except for beatings, but he soon relaxed as he realized that Albert was harmless.  
"We are such a great team! Look! We are the first ones to get our cupcakes out of the oven!" the southern boy said with so much excitement that Jared was afraid that he would wet himself.  
Jared looked at the other pairs of amateur cooks and saw that none of them had taken their goodies out of the oven. Hell, one pair hadn't even put the paste into the oven in the first place. They were two middle aged men whose foreheads were wrinkled. "Maybe we should repeat step one and two of the recipe again?" Jared heard one of them say to the other. "Are you insane? Fuck this shit." the other one snapped back at the first man.

Albert's eyes were big as saucers as he watched the cupcakes and before Jared had the chance to even react, Albert had grabbed one of them and sunk his teeth into it. At first the southern boy smiled then his eyes widened again for another reason.  
He screamed and dropped the cupcake to the floor. Tears were escaping his eyes and he stuck his tongue out. "So hot!" he lisped and punched the air with his small fists. It looked hysterical.  
Jared turned away from the madness and grinned.


	18. Insufficient Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared gets a visit from his mother who gives him an offer and a promise. In his flashback, Jared discovers that the second girl has been found dead after one of their shows.

_\- Tell me, would you kill to save a life? -_

 **May 28th, 2007**

Jared still smelt like cupcakes, and had some stains of flour on his red prisoner's suit, as he entered the usual therapy room. Strangely enough, Valentino hadn't been the one leading him there to his afternoon session. Another guard, whose name Jared hadn't registered, was the person escorting him.  
Just like all the other guards he was a breathing mountain of pumped up muscles. But this guard, unlike Valentino, had tufts of actual hair on his head and was a bit shorter than Jared.  
The short guard had snuff underneath his upper lip and his mouth didn't wear even the slightest trace of a smile. Jared wondered why Valentino wasn't there but figured that he deserved a day off from the madhouse as well.

Jared walked into the room, where Micha sat on her wide bottom, slowly. His rustling suit was getting so big on him that it was hard for him to move around normally without getting his limbs lost in the amounts of cheap red fabric. Micha gestured for the short guard with the face of stone to stay right where he was.  
Jared walked towards the chair which he usually sat on several hours every day during his sessions with Madison, and later on Micha, and made a move as he was about to sit down and get comfortable.

"Don't sit down, Leto." Micha ordered sternly. Any other day Jared would have sat down just to annoy and disrespect Micha to somehow show the woman how much he loathed her without having to waste precious words on her.  
But this time Jared actually obeyed her, his demon and tormentor, and listened carefully. Micha tapped her wrinkled and veiny hand against the thick brown file which contained Jared's life in papers. "Even if I don't like it, I have to let you go today. You have a visitor who wants to see you in the visiting room now." the old tyrant explained and frowned. "But don't think you will escape my questions because I have already added another hour to our session tomorrow!" she added quickly.

Jared wondered who could possibly want to visit him. He soon excluded Madison from the list of potential visitors. She wouldn't visit him in broad daylight. That would look too suspect.  
Jared didn't think it was his brother Shannon either because of his reaction the last time they met. Shannon had been furious with Jared as he refused to speak. Shannon had then said that they weren't brothers anymore.  
It was saddening for Jared to think about his brother as it brought up so many good memories of how good their relationship had been until a couple of months ago. Now it was all over and Jared had serious doubts whether or not he would see Shannon again.

"What are you still doing here? Go!" Micha snarled and pointed towards the door. The guard grabbed Jared's thin arm tightly and led him out of the room. Like Jared needed guidance... He walked out of that room every day without help! Jared thought of how much he disliked Micha. First impressions are the most lasting and Micha didn't exactly come off as a sweetheart.  
Soon the guard had followed Jared to the crowded visiting room. People, guards and patients in their red suits sat in small booths and talked to each other.

The first thing Jared laid his eyes on was Albert who was sitting in a dirty booth with a guard and an apple-cheeked round woman. She was wearing a long plaid skirt, a white blouse and had a ragged scarf wrapped around her muscular shoulders. Albert screeched like an excited parrot and pointed towards Jared. "There he is ma! My best friend! He is the one I told you about!" Albert screamed and bounced up and down on his seat.  
Albert was so happy to finally let his mom see his awfully quiet new friend. Albert's mother laughed merrily and followed the direction of Albert's happy gestures with her eyes. She then froze. "Him?" she yammered with her thick southern accent.  
"Let's move." Jared's guard said and dragged the singer towards a booth in a far away corner. Jared still heard how Albert's mother scolded her son for being friends with a cold-blooded murderer.

As they got closer to the booth, all of the other sounds died out. Jared immediately recognized the person even as he could only see her from behind. This can't be true, he thought. But it was true. That long light brown hair with blond highlights couldn't belong to any other person than Constance. Constance Leto. Jared's mother.  
His guess was confirmed as the guard forced him to sit down on the seat across from her. Jared noticed how tired and worn out she looked. Her blue eyes didn't sparkle like they used to.  
Constance looked a bit shocked as she saw her baby boy for the first time since february. But she didn't react the way Jared thought she would. Constance Leto had always been a woman who didn't hold back on her tears whenever there was an emotional situation but now her eyes didn't even look close to watering at all. She was surprisingly calm.

"Sorry that I haven't come to visit you sooner. It's been a lot to take in and deal with." she said quietly. Constance's eyes roamed her youngest son. He was meager, pale and had scars all over his face. Still the worst part was how his expression was so empty, like he wasn't even happy to see her. Maybe Shannon was right about Jared being a completely new person, she thought.  
"You look awful! What have they done to you?" Constance asked as her maternal side kicked in. I'm not supposed to show him compassion right now, she then cursed to herself in her mind.

Jared's face was impossible to read. He thought of what he would tell her if he talked. 'Hey mom. They have tortured me and the food here is sickening. Just the usual.'  
Instead, Jared continued to keep his mouth shut.  
"What I really came to say is that I talked to your brother. We decided that we will come and visit you if you tell the police the truth. It doesn't matter if you are innocent or not, we will still support you. If you continue to fake that you are mute, then this is the last time you will see me." she said sternly. Her heart ached. Constance hated every word that came out of her mouth but knew that it was necessary.  
Constance didn't know if Jared had taken Yolanda's life or not but she still liked to think of her son as an innocent man.

Jared gave her a nod to say that the message was received. His mother looked at him with pleading eyes. "Please, think about it. You still have your family. If you lose us you have nobody to lean on." she said and got up to her feet.  
Jared looked at her body. He was obviously not the only one losing weight.  
He could do nothing but to watch his mother walk away. 'I will tell the world. Sooner or later.' Jared thought.

Suddenly he felt the familiar darkness embracing him. Another flashback was knocking on his door and desperately wanted to tell a story. Jared could see nothing but blurry figures before everything went pitch black.

 **January 3th, 2007**

 _It was the band's last day in Atlanta where they had played a show yesterday night. Jared and Yolanda had decided to look around the city for a coffee-shop while the other three boys stayed at the hotel. The tour bus would be leaving later that day and head to another city.  
The couple walked down the streets hand in hand. Jared noticed how Yolanda's hand was slightly shaking. He stopped her. "How are you? You are shaking, honey." the singer said with worry in his voice. "I'm just feeling a bit cold." she said.  
Jared smiled and removed his own jacket and placed it on her shoulders. "I didn't know you had something gentlemanlike in your body." Yolanda said acerbically. Jared shook her bad attitude off like a filthy blanket and kept on walking._

 _Something caught his eyes. A picture on the front page of a newspaper. He recognized the girl in the picture. She had dark eyes and black short hair. It was the same girl as Jared had been talking to after yesterday's show.  
He ran closer to the news-stand to look at the big black headlines. '19-year old found murdered.' Jared winced and grabbed one of the newspapers and his eyes scrolled through the article. 'Annie, 19... stabbed several times...mother says she'd been to a concert... no suspects yet...' _

_Yolanda placed her hand on his back. "I can't fucking believe this. This is the second girl being murdered after our shows." Jared whispered. "Do you know anything about this?" he asked as he thought she'd might been around. Maybe Yolanda had seen something suspect.  
"No!" she said wheezily and started shaking violently. "I don't feel well." she said and threw up on Jared's arm. _


	19. Almost Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The singer wakes up in the nurse's office again. In the end of the chapter, the flashback Jared had been dreading finally arrived.

_\- The fight is done, the war is won -_

 **May 29th, 2007**

Jared blinked a couple of times before his eyes adjusted to the brightness and he could see everything clearly again. His neck was sore and stiff from being passed out in an awkward position. "You've been out for almost a day now." a familiar voice said. Jared sighed and looked at the room he was in.  
The floor and the walls were snow-white. There was a table next to him with used shots and a roll of bandage resting on it. He was most certainly in the nurse's office again.  
Jared heard steps coming closer to him and then he could see Tricia's, the nurse's, face. She was looking down upon Jared with a smile on her lips.

"Rise and shine!" she said cheerfully. On the inside she wasn't so happy though. Tricia was worried that Jared's health was only spiralling downwards. His physical health, that is. The nurse had no idea why the patient sometimes passed out. Her guess was that the cause of the problem was that Jared didn't get enough nutrition into his system, which made him faint.  
Tricia noticed how Jared looked even skinnier and weaker than he had did before. You're playing with death, she thought.

Jared groaned and started to slowly get himself into a sitting position on the office's uncomfortable bunk. His arm shot up to his neck and he grimaced every time he moved his head.  
He also seemed to have little, to none, control of his body. He had to put a real effort into doing such an easy thing as just sitting up. It felt like his body was made out of rubber.  
"Aspirin?" Tricia asked kindly and her usually so dull eyes sparkled.  
Jared nodded softly and hissed with pain as that simple sway hurt. The nurse walked to her sink and poured some tap-water into a glass and selected a couple of pills for her quiet patient. "Here you are." she murmured as she walked back to the bunk and placed the glass of water in Jared's right hand and the pills in his left.

Today Tricia was wearing a bright red lipstick and no eye makeup. Her black hair was clipped back from her face and she looked fresh. "That's aspirin, and then some dietary supplements. Take them while I call for Valentino to come and get you." Tricia cooed and grabbed the office's telephone and went outside to make her call.  
Jared placed all of the pills on his tongue, poured water into his mouth and threw his head back as he swallowed the whole thing.

When the nurse was out of the room, Jared started thinking. He thought about Madison and how close he felt to her. The singer wondered if it was time to let his guard down and tell the young psychiatrist about his flashbacks.  
Then if Jared told Madison about his secret, would she appreciate it or think he was insane? Maybe she would see him like a delusional lunatic whose brain wasn't working properly.  
It ended with a battle in Jared's head. All of the parts inside his head told him different things. He was torn. Was he going to tell her, or not?

Tricia came back into the room after hanging up on Valentino and stopped as she saw Jared. His face was serious and his body language told her he was troubled. Jared's body was in the room but his mind was somewhere else. Jared snapped back and looked at the lean nurse. His face immediately became less tense as all of the thoughts of Madison disappeared.  
Tricia felt more comfortable as her underfed patient looked completely expressionless again. It was quite strange for her to think about Jared as a vulnerable and sensitive individual. She still would have paid a lot to get a clue about what had been on the singer's mind as she had entered the room.

The tiny woman walked towards the middle of the white office and sat down on the bunk right next to Jared. "Valentino will come any minute. Until then..." Tricia said tentatively and tried to lock eyes with Jared. The patient on the other hand was putting a great effort into avoiding her grey eyes. Not like he didn't like Tricia, it was just that he wanted her to keep a distance. A safe distance.

The nurse carefully placed her hand on Jared's thigh. He shuddered and jerked like an electric shock had gone through his body. Tricia removed her hand in shame and felt her cheeks getting red. She knew that she had crossed the line and she regretted it. Still she didn't know how to explain away the happening.  
So the nurse decided to just pretend like nothing had happened. That suited Jared perfectly who also wanted to forget the feeling of her hand on his leg as soon as possible.  
"I have to remind you of how important it is for you to eat properly." she continued with a voice which had no traces of shame in it.

"For a vegetarian like you it's especially important to eat proteins. Look for cottage cheese and be sure to drink milk often. Eat generous amounts of vegetables too..." she babbled with ardour. Jared stopped listening after just a couple of her words. He knew everything about balanced diets, he just simply didn't care anymore.  
Tricia's advice about food did him no good. It was more like a waste of his time. Not like he had anything else to do, her words were still boring enough to make him want to stuff cotton into his ears.

Suddenly Valentino stumbled clumsily into the room with a big grin on his face. Tricia inhaled sharply and shot up to her feet. She didn't want anyone see her sitting so close to Jared. Valentino didn't seem to notice it though as he was so happy to see Jared.  
"So you decided to wake up now, princess?" he asked mockingly. Jared got into a better mood just by looking at the bald and utterly enormous guard.  
The singer gave the twice as big man a genuine smile. "Are you two done in here?" Valentino asked Tricia who had backed away from the bunk quietly.  
She nodded and smiled faintly. "Yes, we are done."

Valentino led Jared through the familiar corridors. "I have two good news for you." he said happily. Jared concentrated and listened for what Valentino would say. The singer felt how it was hard for him to keep up with the guard's pace as they walked through the long corridors.  
"The first one is that it's dinner already. So you aren't going to see Micha today! The second one is..." Valentino started and smiled jadishly. Jared started smiling as he had an idea about what the second thing was.

Valentino saw the singer's smile and felt proud to achieve that kind of reaction from the usually so cold man. "... that a very special guest will visit you tonight." he continued to recieve an even greater smile from Jared. The world started looking brighter for the underfed patient. He was already looking forward towards the evening, with both fear and excitement.  
He wondered if he had the courage of telling the psychiatrist about what was going on.  
"But she will only come if you eat properly today." Valentino said and poked Jared's arm as a joke. It was only a light touch but enough to make Jared fall.

Valentino's finger made Jared loose his balance and he fell to the side. His head hit the wall with a bang and the skinny male fell onto the floor with his limbs splayed out in various directions. At first everything was black. Then he started seeing something far away. Pillows, covers and golden hair. The smell of lavender reached his nostrils.

 **February 10th, 2007. The day before Yolanda's death**   
_  
Jared held Yolanda in his arms as they laid in their bed. She had just showered and her long blond hair smelt like her expensive purple shampoo with little lavender flowers on the bottle.  
The pretty female's eyes were closed and she was breathing regularly. "Do you love me?" she hummed without opening her eyes.  
Jared buried his head into her slightly wet hair and took in the scent which was so familiar. "Until death do us part." he whispered into her ear. Yolanda seemed to be satisfied with that answer. She sighed and relaxed in Jared's arms._

 _Jared tightened the grip around his girlfriend and exhaled loudly. "I love you so much." he murmured before dozing off into a deep sleep.  
One thing he didn't hear was the screeching birds outside their window. They were trying to warn him about the future.  
_

Jared returned to reality with a gasp. He was still lying on the floor. "Man! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to make you fall!" Valentino twaddled. The guard was frightened that the singer would be seriously hurt but he really didn't need to worry. Jared just looked as like he had just woken up from a nice dream.  
The singer had only been out for a couple of minutes.  
"Are you alright? Do you want to have something to eat?" Valentino asked softly. Jared nodded swiftly. He could definitely need something to fill his stomach with. The guard helped Jared to stand up and they continued walking towards the canteen slowly. I can barely move my feet, Jared thought and exhaled shakily. He was running with a drained energy tank.  
Only the thought of seeing Madison that evening was keeping him going. Otherwise, his legs would have never obeyed him.

Valentino followed Jared into the canteen and helped him to get a tray to stack his food on. The singer put a scoop of glistening vegetables on a plate and added some mashed potatoes to the side. Then he was done. It was hard for him to even look at the repelling sludge that they were serving.  
He walked towards an empty table with his tray. Valentino followed the unstable singer and stood next to him at the table. The cocky men sitting at the 'Bad ass' table in the other side of the canteen were all laughing at Jared and mocking him.  
"Has the guilt ate your body?"  
"You don't look so famous now, you pathetic skeleton!"  
The words were raining over Jared. The singer just ignored them and ate his food, though. Valentino felt how he started boiling with anger. Jared hadn't done anything to deserve them yelling at him. The guard dug his fingers into his legs to stop himself from doing anything that could get him into trouble.  
When Jared was done, he gave Valentino a nod and the kind guard helped him to remove the tray. The duo then continued their small journey towards Jared's cell.

As they got there, Jared stumbled into the room, laid down on the bed, and closed his eyes.  
He didn't notice when Valentino after a couple of hours let Madison into the room. It was because he had already fallen into the final flashback.


	20. Flashstop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final flashback and the end of Jared's story.

_\- Whatever you do, don't be afraid of the dark  
Cover your eyes, the devil's inside  
One night of the hunter, one day I will get revenge  
One night to remember, one day it'll all just end -_

 **May 29th, 2007**

"I don't know if it's a good idea to visit him tonight." Valentino said. Madison frowned and her body language told the guard that she didn't like what he was saying at all. Meeting Jared had been the only thing she had looked forward to that day and now someone said she couldn't even go inside to see him.  
The female leaned against the door of the cell and exhaled a puff of air. She wished that she would magically turn into a ghost and get the ability to slide through walls.  
"Why?" Madison asked and pouted like a small child who wasn't going to get an enchanting strawberry flavored lollipop.

"He has been extremely unstable these past days. He just suddenly passes out and is really weak." the kind guard explained to a grimacing Madison. She had put on a tight black long-sleeved dress in a luxurious material to look as good as she felt on the inside. Her lips were painted with a pink lipstick and topped with a peachy gloss. Madison had framed her eyes with a thin line of black eyeliner too. Everything, to the tiniest little detail, was thoroughly conceived. She had imagined wearing the exact same makeup and outfit while seeing Jared for days.  
Valentino thought she looked great, like always, but in his opinion Madison was the most beautiful when she wasn't trying. When everything looked simple and effortless.  
"He would have wanted me in there. And you know it." Madison said coolly and glared at the guard. She was determined to get into the cell even if it meant that she had to nag Valentino into going crazy first.

"I don't know, Madison..." Valentino said slowly and placed his huge hands on top of his bald head. Madison sighed and shook her head. "Please? I don't want to feel like I came all the way out here for nothing." she pleaded and tried to make her eyes look both sad and irresistible at the same thing. An underestimated form of art.  
Valentino hesitated but he soon fell for Madison's trick. Would he be putting the patient in any kind of danger by letting Madison inside the cell? The guard figured that Jared, hopefully, would be okay even after her little visit. "Fine. You can go inside." Valentino started and took a few heavy steps towards the door. He fumbled with the keys before finding the right one to open the cell. "Just promise to tell me if something happens." he continued and looked worried.  
If something happened to Jared, or Madison, it would be his fault. The guard watched Madison nodding towards him once before practically skipping into the room. He closed the door carefully and scratched his forehead.  
He couldn't quite figure out why the young psychiatrist was so eager on seeing Jared as the singer wasn't even talking. An extremely odd mystery, he thought.

Not a single sound escaped the room and the corridor was silent. The first thing was a bit worrying since the walls were thin. The guard paced the space back and forth. Valentino had a portrait of his teenage daughter tattooed on his arm which he was stroking warily. His big fingers followed the lines of her face and he breathed noiselessly. She was the apple of his eye and the only reason he was working at Martha's mental institution. If he wouldn't be working he also wouldn't have enough money to pay for the expenses which comes with having a child. School, food and clothes.  
His daughter's name was Madison. That was why Valentino had a soft spot for Madison, the psychiatrist, because she and his daughter had the same name. They were also both stubborn and goal-oriented.  
The bald guard looked towards the closed door of the cell. What was really going on in there? Did he want to know?  
Valentino closed his eyes and smiled. After a while he figured that nothing exciting would happen and he walked away to call his daughter.

Madison hurried to get to Jared's bed where the singer was lying. She thought he was sleeping when he really was having flashbacks. Madison sat down with her bare knees scraping the floor. She decided that she would wake him up after a while. Not right away though, as she found his sleep so innocent and peaceful.  
The female watched how his chest was moving as he breathed slowly. The sun had said good bye to the world and the cell was obscure and dim.  
She thought she could see a hint of a smile on Jared's lips. Madison placed her hand on Jared's arm and smiled too. She wondered what he was dreaming about. If he had the same dreams she usually had. Dreams of a happy future.  
Little did she know that he was reliving his past. That fatal day in the beginning of February.

Soon the expression of happiness on Jared's face changed. His mouth hung slightly open and his breathing sped up and became irregular. The singer frowned and groans and moans escaped his lips. The bed creaked with every movement.  
Then his breathing rhythm got out of control and he started waving his arms and legs. Madison didn't know what to do. She felt panic flooding through her veins and she dug her fingers into the arm which she had her hand on. "Jared?" the frightened female asked without getting an answer.  
Suddenly Jared sat up in the bed with a haunting scream. The scream was from the heart and Madison's blood froze to ice. The sound pierced through her heart and placed her in a slight state of shock.  
His eyes were now open. Bloodshot and terrified.

 **February 11th, 2007.**   
_  
Jared got out of the shower with a towel sloppily tied to his hips. He was humming on a happy song and dancing his way to the sink. That was before Yolanda came into the bathroom.  
She then appeared and stood in the doorway with her arms crossed. Jared pretended like her bad attitude didn't affect his mood in a bad way and kept on humming.  
He sprayed himself with a heavy perfume and started putting shaving cream on his face as he needed a shave. "What are you getting ready for?" the girlfriend asked grumpily. Jared smiled and put the blade of the razor against the skin on his cheek. "I'm going to a restaurant with Shannon tonight." he answered and took the first stroke with the razor. The cream and his facial hair vanished from his face.  
"Without me?" she asked again. Her bad mood filled the air with a lingering bad feeling. Jared tried to politely keep the smile on his face. "Yes. I asked you if you wanted to come with us yesterday. You said no." the singer answered and let the razor dance away the hair from his visage. Yolanda opened her mouth and closed it again quickly. "I can't remember you ever asking me about that." she muttered.  
"Well, I did." Jared said shortly to put an end to that discussion._

 _Water collided with Jared's newly shaved face as he splashed hot water onto it. All of the shaving cream went down the drain with a bibulous sound. Suddenly the singer felt a pair of arms wrapping around his waist. And a pressure on his wet back. A mouth breathing into his ear.  
"I'm sorry for being so moody." Yolanda whispered. Her hands caressed every inch of the skin on Jared's stomach. He shivered and the small hairs on his back rose. "It's okay." Jared mumbled. When being treated with such an electric touch he couldn't do anything but forgive her. Yolanda sighed happily and smelt her boyfriend's neck.  
"As much as I love having your arms wrapped around me, I have to get ready. Shannon will be here any minute now." Jared said a couple of seconds later and disturbed the peace. Yolanda reluctantly let go of the singer.  
Jared gave her a thankful nod and rushed past her towards their bedroom, where the wardrobe was, to pick up something fresh to wear.  
He decided to go with a pair of absurdly tight black jeans, a black cotton t-shirt with a realistic skull print, a pink belt and a pair of colorful designer sneakers. The reflection in his full body mirror was smiling towards him. Looking good, he thought._

 _As Jared walked towards the front door, with pep in his steps, he was stopped by Yolanda. Her slender fingers wrapped around Jared's wrist. "You need to stay here tonight." she whispered sternly. Her eyes were big as saucers and her lips were quivering.  
Jared grunted. "We've already talked about this."_

 _He shook his arm as he tried to make Yolanda let go. She dug her nails into his arm and he hissed with pain. "You need to listen to me!" she snarled.  
Jared stared at her in disbelief. What was she doing? Had she gone mad? She had never hurt him physically before. It all seemed quite surreal.  
"What's wrong with you?" the singer spat. Yolanda looked like someone had shot her. She released her grip and backed away slowly. Her eyes got glossy and she had a hard time holding the tears back.  
"We need to talk." she whispered and bit her lip. Jared grimaced and inhaled sharply. A honk from outside of the house interrupted the couple's conversation. Jared knew that it was Shannon who had arrived so that they could drive to the restaurant together.  
"Don't. Please, don't." Yolanda begged. Jared couldn't remember ever seeing Yolanda that upset over nothing. He shook his head slowly. "We'll talk about this later." he said and then walked towards the front door.  
Shannon had already walked up to the door and met Jared. The older brother saw Yolanda standing in the room and gave her a small nod and a smile._

 _He was dressed in a loose-fitting shirt and a pair of black pants. Shannon, as well as Jared, had shaved and a cloud of men's perfume circled around him. "Ready?" Shannon asked with his dark and vibrating voice. Jared glared at Yolanda. "Yeah, let's get out of here."  
The brothers walked to the car in silence. _

_Shannon exhaled loudly and laughed as soon as they closed the doors to the car. Jared looked at him like he was a psycho. "What are you laughing at?" he asked. Shannon wrinkled his forehead. "Just thought I needed to ease the tension in the air."  
Jared nodded and leaned his head against the window. He couldn't think of anything else but Yolanda's outburst and pleading eyes. The singer figured that something must have been wrong.  
Shannon started the car and started the drive to the restaurant. He soon put the radio on as his brother's silence was making him crazy. The singer tapped his fingers on the steering wheel in beat with the music on the radio._

 _"Yolanda looked..." Shannon started after the song had ended and commercial was rolling. "Crazy and evil. I already know what you think about her." Jared said before Shannon had had the chance of finishing his sentence. Shannon looked dumbfounded at Jared. "The word I was looking for was sad. You don't seem like you want to be here at all." the drummer said quietly.  
Jared swallowed and closed his eyes. The car's window was cool against his flaming forehead. "I'm sorry. We're going to have fun tonight." Jared apologized and turned his head towards his brother to give him a strained smile.  
That was all Shannon needed to let go of his worries. "We are going to have a blast, bro." he said and then squealed with delight as the commercial ended and the radio started playing one of his favorite songs.  
The rest of their car ride went well._

 _At the restaurant, a beautiful locale with delicious food, the brothers decided that since they had to drive home, only one of them could drink. Jared, being the youngest brother, lost against Shannon and had to put up with being the sober one that evening.  
The drummer ordered one glass after another with beer. Soon he got a bit refreshed. Funnier, cooler and braver than before the drinks. He shamelessly started flirting with everything female in the building. Jared only laughed at his brother, leaned back, and had a good time.  
A couple of minutes after midnight Jared decided that Shannon had had enough. He got up and dragged his drunk brother away from a waitress who was clearly bothered with the hoydenish drummer.  
"Bro, no! You ruined my flow." Shannon splattered. Jared helped Shannon to get outside and into the car. "You will thank me tomorrow." he said slowly to the older brother.  
Shannon frowned when Jared forced him into putting his seat belt on. "Party pooper."_

 _As soon as the engine roared and woke up Shannon seemed to calm down. His head was bobbing as the car went up and down small hills.  
Jared already knew that he couldn't leave his brother alone in his drunken state. He simply decided that he would let his brother sleep on his couch. Soon the car rolled up Jared's driveway.  
The singer was feeling a bit nauseated by the fact that he had to have a talk with Yolanda. He hoped that she would be sleeping and that she would have forgotten about what had happened earlier.  
Shannon looked at the house and his brain puzzled the pieces together. "This isn't my house." he stated. Jared smiled. "You are going to sleep on my couch today. If you don't mind."  
Shannon shrugged and got out of the car. The brothers got into the house and took their shoes off. _

_Jared pointed towards the couch in the living room. "There it is. Will you be okay?" he asked. Shannon nodded and stumbled towards his bed of the night. With a sigh he jumped on the couch and got himself comfortable.  
"Well, good night then." Jared said and started to walk towards his and Yolanda's bedroom. Shannon waved briefly, not wanting to talk._

 _The thing Jared saw when he opened the door made him freeze. On the bed sat Yolanda with the blade of a huge knife resting on her wrist. She seemed surprised to see Jared in the door opening.  
The singer realized how serious the situation was and jumped towards Yolanda and grabbed the knife. "What are you doing?" he said breathlessly. Yolanda didn't move a muscle and didn't say a word.  
Jared's breathing got ragged and strained. He grabbed his girlfriend's shoulders and shook her. "What are you doing?" he repeated so high that he was practically screaming._

 _Her mouth opened and words came out of it. Words that Jared couldn't understand. "I can't go on living like this." she said.  
Jared let go of her shoulders and shook his head slowly. "Have you hit your head? What are you talking about?" he asked and closed the door to the bedroom. He didn't want the drunk Shannon to blunder into the room. He would positively just make everything worse.  
"I'm a sinner. My body has to be sacrificed for me to find peace." Yolanda said with a monotone voice. Jared's brain was working on full capacity to take in the words which left her mouth.  
"Bullshit! Is this about me? Have I done something wrong?" he asked. She smiled briefly. A gesture which scared Jared. Yolanda looked way too put together for someone who was on the brink of taking her own life.  
"Kind of." she answered coolly._

 _"Please tell me what I've done." Jared pleaded. He didn't want to believe that something he had done had made Yolanda so upset. The female with the honey blond hair bit her lip. "It's how you always cheat on me with other girls. I had to do something. Make it stop. Teach you a lesson." she chanted. Nothing but confusion was reflected on Jared's face.  
"I've never cheated." the singer said quietly. He was speaking the truth. Ha hadn't touched another girl in a sexual way since he got together with Yolanda. She scoffed.  
"Maybe not physically. But Jared, I've seen the way you look at those fucking fans you have. I've watched you after every single one of your shows when you flirted with those young women. Don't you understand? You've been cheating, mentally." she said with a creepy smile on her lips._

 _"That's something you've made up in your mind. It doesn't mean it's true." Jared said to defend himself. Yolanda closed her eyes and sighed.  
"I need you to do something for me, Jared. The greatest favor of them all." the female said calmly. Jared cocked his head to the side. "What would that be?" he asked without really wanting to know the answer.  
Yolanda gestured with her hands towards Jared. "Sweetie, take that knife..." her hands made a sharp movement and she balled them into fists. She was looking at the sharp knife in Jared's hands. "... and drive it through my heart." she made a stabbing motion in the air towards her chest.  
Yolanda's face was expressionless._

 _Jared's jaw dropped. "Are you high?" he screamed. Nothing in the world could make him do such an awful thing. The only thing lighting their room up was the lamp on the bedside table. The beams of light made the blade of the knife shine in the dim room.  
Yolanda's pearly white teeth stood out in the darkness as she spoke. "I don't want to live knowing what I've done."_

 _"Then tell me. What the hell have you done?" Jared snapped agitatedly. He didn't want to play her game anymore. Yolanda turned her face away from the light to make sure she didn't have to look Jared in the eyes when she broke the news to him.  
"The girls found dead during your tour this winter. It was..." she started but got stopped by a cry from Jared. He finally understood that his beloved girlfriend was the murderer. The singer's world suddenly stopped turning. When you think you know someone...  
"...me." she said and inhaled deeply. Now it was out. The secret she had been dreading to tell Jared._

 _Jared couldn't talk. He just looked at the person sitting on the bed right in front of him and suddenly it felt like she was a stranger. Like he didn't know that person. A single tear ran down Jared's cheek as he said good bye to the six year long relationship they had. Nothing could have destroyed that man as quick as that knowledge did.  
"Fuck you." Jared choked. Yolanda winced. It hurt for both of them. _

_"If you ever loved me, please end my suffering." she said calmly but she was now shaking. Jared growled. "What about my suffering then?" he asked weakly. Yolanda didn't have an answer. She hadn't thought about Jared as she only wanted to get out the easiest way herself.  
"You mean that I should kill you because you're too much of a coward to face the consequences?" Jared snarled and tightened his grip around the handle of the knife. Yolanda got up from the bed and walked closer to Jared. So close that he could feel her breath on his face.  
The female put her hand on top of his and looked at the knife. "Please. I won't ask for anything else." she begged for him to kill her. Their eyes met. It was the moment for Jared to make a decision. To please her or to walk away._

 _He slowly raised the hand with the knife towards the ceiling. Charging. Breathing. His heart was racing.  
Yolanda's pupils were dilated and her lips were parted.  
Time seemed to stop when Jared swung his hand down and the knife collided with Yolanda's chest. The sharp metal penetrated her skin and went through her ribs._

 _The pain made her scream from the top of her lungs before she fell into a bleeding heap on the floor. The air escaped Jared's lungs and he dropped to his knees. He quickly took out the knife and chucked it across the room.  
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" he cried. She only smiled and took her last breath. Jared saw the life being drained out of her eyes. Then she was gone._

 _His life was over and he knew it. Jared put his shaking hands over the corpse's face and slowly closed her eyes. He then sat down with his arms tightly wrapped around his knees and stared at a spot on the wall. Feelings were overwhelming him.  
He was numb._

 _Shannon had just fallen asleep when a loud scream woke him up. He jerked and fell out of the couch. The sound came from Jared's and Yolanda's bedroom. On wobbly legs he succeeded with walking all the way to the room. He banged the door with his fist a couple of times before he opened it.  
The scenery meeting him was the worst possible scenario. Blood all over the floor. A body. And Jared sitting in the corner with a blank stare.  
Shannon called the police. Then he threw up on the floor._

"Jared! Talk to me!" Madison hissed with a hushed voice as she was afraid Valentino would hear them if she was too loud. Jared was feeling panicked. The memory he had worked so hard on trying to forget was now released from the depths of his brain.  
He felt sick and empty. Disgusted with himself for being a murderer. He covered his face with his hands. The same hands which had taken a life.  
Madison reached for Jared slowly and placed her hand on his head. Jared jerked. "Don't touch me!" he spat.

Madison backed away. She didn't know how to react as she had no idea about what was going on. "You don't want to touch me." Jared then mumbled, mostly to himself.  
Madison smiled briefly. "Don't be silly." she said coolly. Jared then removed his hands and revealed the constant stream of tears which were flooding through his eyes and down his cheeks. There was no stop to that salty river.  
"Dear, tell me what's wrong. Was it a nightmare?" Madison asked anxiously. Jared shook his head violently. He felt drained of powers and feelings. Everything he had was the tears.  
Jared felt bad for Madison who had started to care for him. That he had to let her down by telling the truth.  
"Worse than a nightmare. I remember everything clearly now." Jared said and tried to ignore his aching body.

"Remember what?" Madison asked questioningly. Jared grimaced before he answered. "About Yolanda."

Madison swallowed hard. That wasn't what she had been expecting. "Oh..." she said as she was incapable of speaking words. The female's mouth felt dry like a desert.  
"I killed her." Jared choked. He then couldn't hold anything back and started sobbing. The blubbers broke the silence in the room. Madison felt like someone had punched her in the gut. "Why, Jared? Why?" she asked and wanted to fall into tears herself. "She wanted me to do it. She didn't want to live a life with regrets." the singer managed to say between the sobs. Jared left out the part of Yolanda being a murderer too, to not put her in a bad light. A final tribute.

Madison shook her head. "What are we supposed to do now?" she asked after a while. Jared sniffed and tried to calm himself down. His thoughts hadn't wandered that far. What did he want to do? Where would he go?  
"Get the police. I'm ready to tell the truth." he ordered after collecting his thoughts. Madison dropped her jaw to the floor. "They will get you locked up for life!" she hissed. "I can't let you do that!"  
The young psychiatrist still had feelings she couldn't describe for Jared. All she knew was that she wanted to be around him. Guilty or innocent.

Jared put his hands on the sides of Madison's head and looked her in the eyes. Hazel meeting icy blue. "Madison... There is a time in everyone's life where they need to stand on their own two feet and deal with the consequences of their actions. This is the moment for me to do so." he whispered and felt how the last tears trickled down his chin.  
Madison eyes radiated confusion and and incomprehension.  
"Run away." she said.

"Where? I have nothing left out there. I'm a face that people will recognize on the streets. I'll be back here again in the blink of an eye." he said calmingly to a Madison who was getting more and more roused. She was in denial. Every single one of his words made sense but she desperately wanted to find a loophole.  
"Don't do this, Jared." she begged. Jared placed his thumbs underneath her chin and took a long look at her face, to save it in his memory. The eyes, the nose, the small amount of freckles, the pale skin and the pink lips.  
Jared leaned in and gave her lips a slight peck. Madison closed her eyes and winced. She had imagined how their first kiss would be many times but she didn't want it to be like that. Not as a sendoff.  
Jared felt like the kiss had sealed everything. The circle was completed. He didn't need anything else. He hadn't been ready to let Madison go until he had gotten the chance to taste her lips.

"Now go." the singer said and let his hands fall onto his lap. Madison reluctantly walked out of the room. She opened the door and took a deep breath. In the doorway she turned around and looked at Jared one last time. 'Farewell my friend.' she mouthed soundlessly and exited the room. The skinny man waited right where he was for the police to come.  
He was proud of himself.

Madison walked slowly through the corridors of Martha's as she was heading towards Garth's office.  
She opened the door, crying like a baby, and said what Jared had told her to. "Garth, Jared Leto is willing to talk now. Call the police."


End file.
